Notes

i took a day off today, my mom allowed me, its the seventh of april elio's birthday.
i really didn't want to go to school instead doing something productive at home feels more appropriate.
But again i cant help myself to procrastinate, i went to st-exupery it was sad and i asked myself questions that i was dodging, and i found out i still am.
I don't want to let down Aya that believes in me to make us great again, but i feel like i am doing it everyday... I know i am strong but at the slightest difficulty i give up and procrastinante. I know i shouldn't it's common sense but i can't help it i got weak and i am scared of my potantial, but also it not being as good as it used to be. i don't like to be faced to problems i can't solve so i got used to never try.
But 10 is always better than a 0, but the fact that 10 is not the 20 it used to be anymore breaks my heart and makes me wanna do nothing. To add more onto that let's say i do not have the more interesting classes. I mean they are i just struggle with math and can't get help from someone because i know i won't be concentrated and it will be a waste of time for both of us. I also don't wanna show how bad my level is, being ignorant is the worse shame i could have. The sad thing is only if i try hard enough i could easily catch up but i do not try beacause my fear of failure but also of not being excellent which are very obviously realted. It hurts my ego really bad when i remember my average.
I need to do something now but i know i wont, but i know i could and the opportunity is really near.
My dreams are going away slowly and i can feel them slip from my hands whilst i hold on to them as hard as i can.
good is NOT enough.
I need to do better for me, for Aya but also for future Maya.
Endless feeling hours of work can't be that bad if i'm doing it for me and my future life in Paris, and also like the tiktok says, i have to win and succeed otherwise all the damage i got isn't good damage it's just damage.
I have to go trough those endless feeling hours of work and i have litterally nothing else better to do knowing that being bad at school is getting me fucking nowhere. So at least make it worth the pain, i'm litterally in pain anyway, there's just one where i succeed and the other where i'm numb sad and depressed !
Don't worry Aya ! I won't give up on you ! I won't disappoint you past Aya, Maya is here, you don't have to worry anymore my baby I WON'T NEVER NEVER NEVER NVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER AGAIN !