Notes

So let me tell you a "not-so-fun" little story about me. Basically I have to distract myself and it's a good time to explain myself and have a brief hope that you'll finally understand why I am the way I am right now. And why you think that "I'm harsh" or whatever. So please bare with me it's going to take a long time. (I started to writing an hour ago and I'm not even close to finish). And I finished after 2 hour. Woah. Have fun!


Back in 2008-2010 my hobby was psychology, no kidding I was, what? 13-15? I was reading books, not just 'hobby-psychology' that you find everywhere. Well some of them were pretty much useless… I was trying to understand people around me and, well that's not entirely true, I was trying to figure out myself. You know, the looking for happiness kind of thing. And a few months into this 'hobby' I found myself really interested in the subject. I wanted to know more. I wanted to analyze people, read every little emotion by the tiniest facial expression. I was pretty good at the time, I exactly knew what's going on in people's mind, and yeah I'm not a saint so time to time I tried to manipulate people. (I'll get back to this point later, don't forget it) So the whole thing seemed really interesting and I wanted to continue to study psychology later on, at university eventually. But in 2009 I said to my classmates and my friends: "If when I have to choose which university I go to, please tell me to not to study psychology, please Stop me" I don't think they understood me, but I was pretty serious. I don't think that I've ever explained it why exactly I don't want to study that. But I remember that once I explained to my classmate who wanted to study psychology (it was a ridiculous idea cause she is really dumb…) why I think is a really bad idea.


Once you feel like you know people from the get-go nothing feels special, there's no spark, no light. What you see is an equation that you need to solve. (I agree, it is really like an addiction) You meet someone, you solve the equation, that's it. That's it. It isn't interesting anymore. Well this is how it was with me. (Another thing but actually this is why I love her so much because after all these years I can not solve her equation. She's a mystery.) So why is it a bad thing? Because once you meet someone you have a pretty good idea what he or she has been through, how was his/her childhood. Don't get me wrong it is truly fascinating to know these kind of 'secrets' but for me it's too much. You only see these marks that we have in ourself, that we are carrying without even noticing. But I started to see the misery and only see that.. This is why I told everyone to stop me. I'm still doing it, just subconsciously (well not anymore haha), so at the moment it's semi-conscious.

So why is it relevant and how to our little talk (actually your speech) today?

I don't want to change you nor manipulate you. Have I done it? Probably. Will I do it? Probably. But 100% subconsciously. And I really don't want to change you. I think you know me enough to know that I don't seem like a nice, kind, or lovely person. I did attack you in the past, you remember when. That's the cold myself. I play a role to help you out realise certain things. I'm not imposing the answer, because I don't know it most of the time. I play that 'jerk role' who is trying to hurt you because I want to start your brain working and thinking about something not because I mean it. I Don't mean it. As I said I'll get to the manipulation part. Well this attack is a manipulation in some way, but I don't find it harmful.

I hardly ever share my analysis. But I think I will with you, about you.

Well, first of all, I'd like to congratulate you. You made to the 'interesting ones' group. This is why we started to talking.

Remember when you told me that you might not share with me the crap that happened to you for a long time and in the end you did. Like two days after. I already had a good idea what was it when you said it, and I knew it that you'll time sooner than you'd have think. . Maybe you recall that I wasn't even surprised. Here comes the uncomfortable part: You are right, I didnt know you at the time, but you didn't change that much. You still having those wounds. Social awkwardness and anxiety, unhealthy self defensive mechanisms (driven by denial, that's actually reaction formation), repression, bla bla bla.
Maybe you know, maybe you don't but you are still trying to hide your feelings in the moment when something uncomfortable happens. When I attacked you I did it because I wanted to see your emotions too. When I laugh at you or criticize you? Same thing. But you don't show any.. Well you do but you don't express it but in nonverbal forms (Sudden silence, questioning regard, heavily repressed anger which is hardly readable on your case)

Yeah-yeah it's great, good to know, what's the point? We are indeed very-very different. But I think we can learn from eachother. Eventhough I'm not spiritual 98% and I think it's unreasonable, and borderline useless but sometimes I think you have actually something to say. I'm really a simple mind, I don't imagine thing, I'm not really a wondering type, no magic, and other stuff. In french there's a good expression for that "terre-a-terre" translate into "earth-to-earth" so materialist, realist and such. But in the 2% I wonder sometimes. Take it or leave it, it's not another attempt to criticize you. If something is not clear ask me, don't try to hide your emotions or thoughts, it's useless and makes communication harder.