Notes

I remember the look he gave me the day he saw what I did to myself. My heart shattered... The look in his eyes. He looked at me in a different way, I wasn't the happy girl I always made myself out to be. For the first time he saw me for me. His look tore my heart apart in seconds. If he didn't hug me I would have probably ran off crying saying I was sorry. but what could I be sorry for? Sorry for hating myself? hahaha. I remember when he held me.... He was shaking, he was in shock and I was broken. I remember cutting the period after, tears running down my face. I wanted to stop but I thought I deserved it which I did. He doesn't look at me the same any more and when I see him it's the only thing I can think of; If he saw again I don't think i'll be able to go to school for a while. The look in his eyes the first time was bad enough, but now that i've done 10x more...... I can't.

My mind is so dark and I can't even get my thoughts out any more. It's amazing how I can go 8 hours a day without really stressing. I can act fine around everyone even if I want to cry. I can sit there and smile, I may squeeze my arm until it's numb but at least people can't see the pain i'm actually in.... I'm good at hiding it, too good. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes, maybe if I didn't re think everything i'd be a lot happier than I am now...... but truthfully i don't deserve to be happy, I'm evil. I'm a waste of space and time. I'm unwanted, not needed. I'm nothing.... I came into this world by myself and I'll be leaving by myself because I know that 'ride and die' type of shit isn't real. Fuck that. I have my own back, I only need a few people.
I have felt empty before but never this empty.... it's like I'm in a battle field but the only thing I'm fighting is myself? and all I'm doing is hurting myself more and more. Fuck I hate myself. Nobody hates me more than I hate myself. I could make a list about everything that's wrong with me but I don't have the energy. I'm often silent when I'm screaming inside

Why can't I trust anyone? Like... I lie? so why can't I trust someone who's lied to me? fuck I don't even think you know how much it hurt..... I wish I was able to tell someone everything. Be honest for once. Stop hiding all my secrets..... I'm sorry for always leaving... Sometimes I just need to be alone because I become too much. I turn into this monster and I can't control myself, I lose it and I hate it. I try to protect everyone from me but I only end up hurting more and more people.

The most beautiful thing that i've ever read is "Suicide is the only thing you can control in your life; that's why it's considered a sin. Because you're beating God at his own game" fuck that gets to me..... I'm not 'suicidal' i'm just 'ready'. You could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn't beg for my life.... I'd be wanting you to pull the trigger and kill me so I wouldn't have to do it myself.

I hate myself..... I cause myself pain. I am my own enemy. I want to die but I don't have the fucking guts to kill myself, I hope that one day i'll do what i've always dreamed of doing. Fuck having goals, my only life goal is to die before i'm 17 so I don't have to face the 'real world' because the world is already full of lies.

My boy.
Omg my boy...... I miss him.
I think about him everyday. I don't see why he had to leave. I'm nothing without him. Right now I want to move on but I'm scared that I will never find a love like his.... someone who was there for me, someone who could end my suicidal moods and make me happy, someone who would better himself to help me better myself, someone who would give up anything for me...... He was.... Amazing and I never really aprreciated him. Part of me loves him with all my heart and soul but there's a part of me deep down that has always thought that he was just using me.