Notes

You're right.

I've been acting like a neurotic schoolgirl for the past year. I didn't understand it before, didn't want to admit it or think about it, but since you said something (even if it was meant to insult me), I had to stop and consider my actions. I've been sending mixed messages, misrepresenting myself, being inauthentic.

I've always been a very strong and responsible person. My friends and family lean on me a lot because I am like a tree. What many of them don't know is that I feel emotion very deeply and am quite impacted by things. I work very hard to conceal my sensitivity, partly because of my pride and also to avoid being hurt. I would say that I am a pretty good builder of walls around myself.

But when I met you - as soon as I looked into your eyes - the walls started coming down. It was insane - oddly and surprisingly powerful. It was like lightning had struck the tree and split it in half. Maybe it was because of the dream I'd had many months before where I'd met and fallen in love with a man who had those same Asiatic eyes that you have. I am from a family, a culture that believes in the diving nature of dreams. So when I looked up to see those eyes at a bar, perhaps the strength of the coincidence was enough to knock a big hole into the wall I had around me.

The next time I saw you, yes, intemperance had impaired my judgment, but my heart was already exposed. I don't remember much of what you said that night - or what I thought about it - but I remember everything I felt. And even though my mind was clearer the next morning, my heart beat the same. I remember how it skipped a beat when I woke up to see you still lying there beside me, watching me with those eyes.

I know that my nature was painted with broad poetic strokes, but it is also practical. I know what's real and what is illusion, what is probable and improbable. I know that we are both intensely attracted to each other - like lightning to a tree. But as much as I want to be with you, I want more not to deceive another to do so.

And so here is my challenge: erase all memory of the dream, detach my mind from my heart, patch up the hole in my wall and move on. I can do it. I am doing it, but it's taking longer than I expected. And sometimes, my heart makes my mind act a little crazy!

But to be fair, before I met you, I hadn't felt that level of intensity for someone for about 13 years! It caught me off guard. I'm not very good at being caught off guard. I just hope it won't take another 13 years before I feel this chemistry again - but this time, with someone who is available to explore it with me in the open, as it was intended to be.

Xoxo
P.S. I don't think you're ordinary. On the contrary, I think you're rather extraordinary, which is one reason I think you fascinate me. But I do think that, for whatever reason, you've put yourself in an ordinary box of a life or maybe way of thinking. It doesn't fit. It's dark and stifling. You need more breathing room, a more expansive world. I hope someday soon you expand those beautiful golden wings of yours and fly where you were made to fly - within the world and within yourself.