Notes

Hey, 
So we've been having conversations about me being transgender over and over since Sept 2021. I'm usually struggling to express any of my emotions, and I just say it's nothing or whatever. Though, in the more recent conversations, I told you I was experiencing gender dysphoria. Something that can develop into mental health problems. In which it may already have. The truth is that I want to transition, I am not a girl. and I never was. I want to become who I am. I want to change my name, change the gender marker, and go on HRT. I want to be able to be myself, so I can boost my confidence because I'll finally be who I actually am. That is why I can't be confident right now, I can't fully love myself, because I don't feel like myself. This body doesn't feel right, and it stresses me out. I want to be able to be who I am by the time I go to University. So I can spend my time there, authentic, and real. I finally can relax a bit. So far grade 9 and 10 has been a torment, because of my gender dysphoria, because I'm not who I am. I've been struggling to make friends, because I wouldn't want them to know me as a girl. The only friends I was able to make are ones I was sure would accept me for who I really am. Making friends- especially now in my dejected state; has been difficult in general. I wouldn't want to be out in this school, because others know who I am already, and there's people who knew me before that I wouldn't want to know that I'm trans. I don't want to be harassed for being trans. It's just been really hard, High School hasn't been that appealing. I'm not having that much fun, and I haven't had fun in a while. I wish it wasn't this way. Attendance every morning is a nightmare, because it only reminds people I'm a girl, when I try my best not to look/act/talk like one. It instantly ruins my mood when teachers use she/her on me, or refer to me and my friends as "girls". My day is ruined after that. My day is also further ruined whenever you use she/her on me, and refer to me as your daughter, and a sister. It's ruined when you call me by my birth name, because I'm reminded that I was born with the expectations that I am a "girl". This infuriates me, and makes me incredibly sad and disheartened. Especially when you do it, when dada does it, when my brother does it. You guys are supposed to be my number 1 supporters right? Can you please help me through this, and please don't give me a reason to not share things with you. Don't give me a reason for me to be scared to talk to you about this, don't give me a reason for me to be scared of your reaction. Please love me as I truly am, so I can learn to love myself. I want to be able to be confident, but I can't do it if you don't help me.