Notes

if i were dead would people like me more? its a question ive had for a while now. and if they did like me more when im dead then would they miss me? and pay attention to memories? like treasured memories that we had together? i just wanna be recognized for who i am. not for what my body shows or how "different" i am. not for how kind i can be. how much i care for people and actually ask if their ok. ive been told im not trying hard enough or not being good enough. well i have tried for the past 15 years and its getting annoying doing the best i can but shortly after feeling numb and having no motivation to do anything with myself. like how many times are you gonna ignore the signs? its so obvious. the music i blast in the shower. the way i talk to michael. the friends i have. my humour. alwayse tired. lazy. the movies i like. my friends say that i need professional help and sometimes i wondered what it'de be like if i just disappeared or stopped talking. how would they act if i passed out infront of them. my dads never here anymore and ive got so used to it that its like i dont even have a dad half the time. i fight with my mum all the time and she doesnt even let me talk or express myself and its like she doesnt even care about me anymore. yea im 15 soon but fuck a kid can feel these ways to. my mum makes me feel like shit on purpose and guilty on purpose and she even said it to my face so i can "grow up". and she wanted me to change so easily and i told her i cant change with the snaps of my fingers but she interupted me every 2 words i spat out of my mouth. and then she gets all pissy when i dont express my feelings to her. like wtf am i supposed to do? i cant trust you anymore. just fucking leave me alone batina. just because your my mother doesnt mean your intitled to everything about my life. you dont know me. all you think you know about me is my fav colour is yellow (its not) and im a bitch and thats about it. whenever mj says that im fat or i should kms or that im a slutmums just like "you shouldnt of touched his phone" like wtf its just a phone. and when i say "me fat? HAH your funny. you should look at yourself in the mirror." mum gets mad at me and yells at me bc i said that. he calls me a slut. i call him one back. IM the one to get my mouth washed out with soap. ME ITS MY FAULT. and oh my days it pisses me off. i hate my body. i wanna drink my sorrows away. smoke weed to forget everything and everyone. i wanna starve myself untill im skinny. ive never been skinny before. and it makes me feel like shit. when i was 5 my uncle compared how big my belly was at my age compared to his. thats when it all started. i started school and almost everyone was skinnier then i was. i was 5. I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD AND I WAS ALREADY INSECURE ABOUT MYSELF HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT WHEN PEOPLE STARTED MAKING COMMENTS ON IT? and then i met vincent. he made me feel so pretty. but he was just interested in me because i was young and kind. i was 11 almost 12 he was 16 almost 17. I WAS A CHILD YOU FUCKING MONSTER i was a child. i dont like my body. it looks ugly. the stretch marks on my thighs. the scares on my face. how fat my arms are. how fat my legs are. how much fat i have on my face. my height(thanks to the people at school). my teeth. i cant loose fat. why cant i be pretty. why cant i be normal? i cant even pump myself up outloud without my mum yelling at me for being "self sentered" all because im trying to feel good about myself. my older 2 brothers arent really here so idk what to say about that other then my oldest brother said i should go to a mental asylum for crazy people and the second oldest did nothing about it. but he couldnt be he was scared. michael used to tell me to kms but when i told him i was running away or going to kms he would start crying. i hate everyone. every. single. person. ive. ever. met. I. HATE. YOU. you all did jack shit when i was suffering. you ignore me. when i tell u my pains u do NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. but. oliver, olivia, zane and stephanie. i love you 4 so much. your the only ones that actually took care of me properly. and Kio im sorry. i know you mean well but. im an overly sensitive person. i wanna be normal. and loved. all ive ever done was to make my mum proud. but i cant. i do EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING POWER TO MAKE HER PROUF BUT THE SECOND I STOP TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF PEOPERLY AND STOP FUCKING MY MENTAL HEALTH UP SHE CALLS ME A LAZY BITCH. AND SAYS ALL I DO IS SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND DO NOTHING. well what do you do? THE EXACT SAME THING. your not special mum. just because your parents abused the shit out of u and sexually assulted you doesnt make your more of a person then me. just because your older doesnt mean shit to me. a person is a person no matter how old they are. just because your older then me doesnt mean shit. i have the right to have an opinion. i have rights. and sure you might not think so but you cant fucking control me. i deserve freedom and re-asurance just like any other person on this earth. i used to say i wish you disapeared and when i did ide regret it. but now when i think back to it i dont regret it at all. you made dad agree with you on everything and still do. you manipulate dad and he cant even find another lover bc of his fucking hands and feet and its almost as though you use that to your advantage. i fucking love my dad. AND YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO USE THE FACT THAT HE USED TO HIT ME TO MAKE SURE YOUR MY FAVOURITE BC I DONT CARE SURE HE USED TO HIT ME BUT THATS IN THE PAST. HE DIDNT MEAN TO SCARE ME. I WAS AN ASSHOLE OF A CHILD AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET ME IN LINE WAS TO HIT ME. batina you made my brothers nose bleed. you made my youngest brother a pussy and he cant even fend for himself. sure he was raised different bc he was ur last kid and atleast the last kid has to be some what perfect BUT IM HERE TO I MATTER TO. JUST BECAUSE HES AUTISTIC DOESNT MEAN U HAVE TO GIVE HIM ALL THE FUCKING ATTENTION. I LIVE HERE TO. YOU TELL THE BOYS EVERYTHING AND TELL ME ALMOST NOTHING. i HATE you mum. i really do wish you were gone. its either you leave. or i do bitch. its not that hard to love your children. all 6 of us. sure 6 kids is alot but still we're all here (except one) u have 5 other kids then just aaron to care for. hes not special. yes he's the youngest and yes hes autistic but that doesnt mean he needs ALL of your attention. and omfg mum you are the CORE REASON i want to kms.