Notes

The taste of self-destruction was sweet. Of course, Brett was the one to drag anyone out of the habit. Committing the sin by himself brought a new perspective on it. The privilege of feeling happy for the very majority of his life came with harsh realizations once life hit rock bottom. Brett had little capacity to think or feel anything concrete. He hated himself for it as life was supposed to enter the highway to healing.

His skin prickled with cold chills almost constantly, desperately reminding him he was alive. Yet, his ribs and head felt specifically overheated from overworking. Caging his heart from releasing one beat after another felt worse every second. Thinking about Kieran before himself was a double-edged sword. Brett was a man turning into an empty shell. It was embarrassing to admit to himself that he was feeling stuck in the most toxic thought patterns.

Brett reminisced back to his and Kieran's perfect kiss in Fiji. Nothing could make him admire Kieran less. Even acidity couldn't kill one butterfly in his abdomen reserved on Kieran's name. The dedicated butterflies only lost their colors to grey. Moments like these were when Brett felt emotions he hadn't faced before the incident. It was equally terrifying as it was soothing to adjust to them. He felt as if Kieran was in a relation-, or, situated with something else than what he signed up for.

Progress wasn't linear, he reminded himself. It made him feel worse about the quiet disappointment in the back of his head. It wasn't Kieran's fault that the distance between them grew. At least outside their room. Brett spent time out more often due to the gym and practicing with Victoria. Kieran hadn't spoken much about the incident other than thinking about it. Brett had approached the topic featherily by asking what Kieran had thought of the situation. It was unfortunate to meet a closed wall, a room in which Kieran protected himself.

Brett finally understood why. He couldn't imagine himself talking about his feelings or thoughts either, let alone raising his concerns. The distance between them grew in the air. Despite neither Kieran nor Brett having problems with one another, there were unspoken words carrying their weight in the shape of turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Suddenly Brett found himself intoxicated by the most self-destructive thoughts. Healing was never linear, and he didn't blame Kieran for anything. It was only reasonable how the event set Kieran off. Brett was just waiting for the opportunity to bring it up again while he himself was fighting his thoughts.

He was thankful these were their first weeks, in a sense. Brett needed to settle his thoughts once and for all. Fiji was a fever dream he'd never regret or gloomily look back at. Brett had a reality check as he shamefully remembered that Kieran's religious trauma cut deep. He didn't have a chance to fully wrap his mind around the extent, though he only had a taste of what Kieran went through. Brett felt his empathy arise along with his guilt for being upset with the regression.

Brett was going insane by the minute trying to process both his guilt and many thoughts simultaneously turning into a void. Brett wanted to indulge in sour heartaches in silence. However, he couldn't take being alone with his thoughts. He differed from Kieran in this way. Therefore there was only one creature on earth he was willing to share this weight with.

On the other hand, he needed to structure his thoughts by himself. Brett needed an excuse to keep enabling his bad thoughts to feel the ache one by one. His first thought revolved around the short length of their situationship. This was the beginning of their journey toward something. Brett thought to himself of Kieran's pattern in a bigger picture. When would the blond bring it up? If Kieran were to bring the protestors up on his own accord without Brett interfering, when would Kieran bring it up?

It was safe to say the restrained air between them would last for as long until Kieran opened up. He had already deflected Brett twice. Once at Kira's party, and once trying to postpone and shrug off the topic. When would Kieran want to bring it up? Brett was burning up right under his pale fingertips. Burning questions, burning comments, and burning attempts at coming up with ways for Kieran to deal with this as a team.

He wished he were burning up like a shooting star amidst the sky. Brett had the court to think of. Ironically, it was the least stressful thing compared to Kieran's situation. His mind flashed back to his own meeting with joy in Fiji. Something about time slowing down without disassociation being involved. Something about excitement and jumpiness being experienced without fearing mania. Brett was forever grateful for the feeling but wondered how it came down crashing to burning up. A shooting star colliding with something unexpected.

Brett feared bipolar. He didn't want to experience the waves of emotions fluctuating between high and low. Suddenly, he didn't want to feel happiness anymore. At least not in this situationship. It was an impossible quest. Kieran lit up his world with his presence alone. His smile lit up and brought back the green in his eyes. Kieran had control over his heart. Brett acknowledged and knew better. More than anything, there was nothing that could make him leave Kieran. Perhaps it was a sign of falling in love.

The brunet exhaled in relief at the heartwarming thought. Perhaps it was the conscious choice of willingly falling in love with Kieran. He had learned and adapted to Hadi's toxic loyalty. He pictured himself going through any storm while Kieran was running off to make it to the safe side. Of course, he'd be destroyed chasing after him, but he would do it again and again until he could talk sense into Kieran. It was Brett's duty to do so after all. Just as it was Kieran's duty to speak his mind regarding Ryan's shitty self.

Brett didn't want to fluctuate. He preferred staying in one place where his emotions were predictable. Kieran was his biggest happiness and source of light. He was perfect. The circumstances around them were a problem that could be solved with teamwork. Brett would never allow himself to give up on Kieran. He didn't. Underneath all of his burns, he felt a flare of scorching determination to lead Kieran to the finish line.

Then there was the fear of thinking of Kieran's determination. Where was it? Brett didn't have an answer, and it was more terrifying than anything. Regression was one thing. If Kieran had taken two steps back, but wouldn't push back to take steps forward, then Brett was wondering where they'd end up. Brett believed in him. He believed Kieran would make it. He didn't fear himself giving up on Kieran.

Brett feared the consequence of waiting for Kieran to bring it up. He couldn't control numbing down or gradually quieting down too. He couldn't control overthinking under Kieran's touch. He had no control over being concerned next to Kieran's sleeping frame. Brett feared, yet prepared himself to corner Kieran again. The blond didn't stand a chance without a push. If anyone could give him a push it would be him. Brett's energy levels were stooping lower by the day, even if Kieran secretly planned on bringing it up. He doubted it in the first place. Kieran needed support and patience to reach the point of telling the truth.

He couldn't afford to dwindle while Kieran was in this state. His passive nature was dependent on Brett's assertive one. As soon as he would become passive too, it was game over. Brett was self-aware of his martyrdom, but their situationship depended on his assertive self.

He didn't want to keep himself together or consecutively test the waters with Kieran's comfort zone in public. Brett couldn't take responsibility for checking where Kieran's head was regarding willingly taking baby steps toward evolving. He had done so already with Fiji, happy to give Kieran all the affirmation, validation, and pride for bravely testing his own limits. Now, he didn't want to receive support for going through a setback. Therefore the setback would proceed. How was Brett going to assist him through it?

Not to mention Brett's slow acceptance toward a standstill. He needed to gather his strength from his fragility to firmly get Kieran to talk. He only wanted to adjust to the setback first. Brett experienced the high and low too fast. He wanted to keep the established distance and grow used to it.

Brett had a long way to detach himself emotionally from wherever Kieran's progress went. He realized he would have to stay neutral. It would hurt badly to keep the problem unsolved while he had the rusted key. However, Brett couldn't feel his hand for Kieran to hold. Perhaps he was overthinking it. He was losing the train of his thought. Right. Emotional subjectivity would stir Kieran's organic process of progressing. Brett didn't want his emotions to show from any setbacks or progress. He wanted Kieran to set his own pace on his accord.

He had a plan. Kieran wouldn't bring up anything, and Brett could give them both a few days. Rather, selfishly give him time to get used to Kieran's backtracking. He safely coped by knowing Kieran was comfortable staying quiet and tending to his walls. Brett would bring the situation up again and attempt to get Kieran to talk about it.

Then there was the emotional attachment to their situationship outside their room. Brett didn't want to push further until Kieran himself wanted something. Perhaps it was selfish to avoid navigating him through it. On the other hand, Kieran knew he would accept any assertion. He had it in him. The Fiji kiss was mere proof. Perhaps if Brett stopped reaching out his hand altogether it'd help Kieran find out what he wanted. As Hadi put it - the taste of lacking Brett's complete presence. To do it in practice was harsh for him. He wasn't completely sure if Kieran would notice a difference. Perhaps he'd feel relieved with the lack of pressure. Brett didn't know if it'd backfire. It was a gamble to try.

If the situationship outside their room depended on Brett's assertion, once again, he was ready to push again. He always was. If it weren't for concluding his thoughts, Brett would've needed to sleep alone and sneak alcohol into his system with a locked door and Kieran soundlessly asleep next door. Who knew, perhaps he needed a breather and blame it on being a reckless 21-year-old who was just having fun. Progress wasn't linear. Brett was aiming not to tend to his issues with intoxication. He wouldn't. He'd prefer locking himself up alone and sleeping the day away at best. Then again, Hadi would stalk the shit out of him, find a roommate, and snitch to someone to knock on his door.

There was something to clarify in his head. Brett would never emotionally detach from Kieran. Ever. Just from the circumstances surrounding them. He wasn't afraid of his feelings for Kieran. They were strong. They were intense. They were pleasantly irrational. He was trying to make sense of them too. Falling in love was tough. However, he'd do it over and over for Kieran only. He hated his damn life, but Kieran made it worth it.