Notes

Its sad.
Its sad i cant explain.
explain what i truly feel.
Does it even matter what i feel?
Why do i have to sacrifice my own soul just for certain people to feel happy.
when those certain people don't even know how hard i'm trying everyday.
Im sad.
And i can't say why.
Because the problem is when someone asks me why there's nothing to be sad of.
So i have to say that i'm happy even though i am clearly not.
If only i could show my point of view.
How i feel. How i see.
i am a shitty person i admit that.
I can take risks just to love but i would never hurt just so i could never take risks.
Sorry.
Sorry if i chose myself first.
Sorry i had to save myself from falling into a 6 feet hole.
I was about to end it all. ;
The worst part is my own mother thought i was heartless because of what i did.
I just saved your daughter from killing herself.


But how can i be heartless when i'm afraid?
I'm afraid she'll feel like a useless mother when she's clearly not.
I'm afraid she won't understand what i feel.
That's why i keep my mouth shut.
Because i know no matter how i feel, I must be normal.
Like a normal kind, pretty, smart, innocent, loving, and talented daughter every parent wants.
And I'm so sorry i failed to be her.
Because you know who Sam is?
A shitty daughter who can't make her parents proud.
A daughter who tries her best everyday.
A daughter who tries her best to make people smile everyday.
I never wanted money.
I never wanted a relationship at a young age.
I never wanted to be a disappointment.
I never wanted to smoke to drink.
I just wanted to love.
I just wanted to be loved.
I never wanted a boyfriend who kisses me everyday.
I never wanted a boyfriend who hugs me everyday.
I just wanted my family to do that.
I saw it with my own eyes.
I saw that no matter how hard i try to be a good person i could never be hugged by my own mother.
Never be kissed by own sister on the forehead.
Never make my brother laugh.
Never make my father proud.
And i just gave up one day.
Did i give up too early?

What does my parents know about love?
They don't play.
They don't talk nicely.
They don't make each other feel loved at all.
I'm terrified one day everyone's love for me will fade out like that.
I'd have no one.
No one to laugh my jokes with.
No shoulder to cry on.
No one to have a late at night talk with.
No one to play games with.
No one to open up to.
No one who'll wipe my tears.
Just no one.
Not even my family.
My dad loves my little sister.
My mom loves my little brother.
But what about me?
Yes, i do get food on the table.
Water to drink.
A house to live in.
A nice phone.
But is it really worth it?
Does it really matter when the person eating that food, drinking that water, living in that house and using that nice phone is emotionally unstable?

I may look heartless but it's hard to be Sam too.

No, Sam never wanted a boyfriend.
Sam wants a mother who tries to understand her point of view no matter what.
Sam wants parents that will be proud of her for trying.
Sam wants to give her little sister girl advice one day.
Sam wants a father who'll uplift her when she wants to improve.
Sam wants her own family to wipe her tears when she's at her lowest.
Sam wants people that listens to her rants and jokes.
Sam just wanted to be loved.
And she knew was never going to be.
Because her family loves other families too.

Mom always says "Paiway bala sa manghod mo, daw bata payaon ka"
But mom, i've been doing that the whole time.

I'm sorry for everything.

-Samantha Rycel.
Feb 6-8 2023