Notes

them
I love her. I love her so much. I couldn't imagine what I would do without her, she is my everything. My parents think she is my friend.... My parents don't know I'm not straight. Like they don't know that I go by Gaege, or that I go by he/ they pronouns. I feel bad for lying to them, but I know they won't except e as myself. they even think I'm mentally stable. I'm not, I never have been. Whatever make them happy, I guess? I don't know what to do anymore. I miss myself; it would be better if the old me came back. Everyone would be happy. I would be happy. But I'll never be my old self I'll just continue to get worst and worst. I feel bad for causing everyone around me pain, I don't mean to, but I do. I feel bad for Sam and Ezra, especially Sam. They have to deal with me the most. I wish I could change for the best, but I can't, obviously. Sometimes I don't want to be alive anymore, a lot of the time I don't want to be alive anymore. I have how dumb I am, even my brother wants me dead. he has wished me death many times. If I could have a better life and get whatever I want and have good parents that actually listen, I would. I wish my parents loved me like they do my brother and sister. It would be amazing; I could actually have my own bed instead of having to sleep under my sister. I would actually be happy. whenever I try and hangout with my family, they always turn it into a fight. My brother thinks I'm the favorite, when its obviously him. he gets anything he asks for. It's ridiculous. I try and make everyone around me happy, even though I cry myself to sleep every night because I know I'm not good enough, but that doesn't matter. my family's happiness comes first, everyone's does. I don't want to be selfish and actually care about myself, or my happiness. When will I get to be happy? never. I will always be how I am now. alone, depressed, and scared. I have wanted to end my life many times before, but I don't want to be selfish, I also want to harm myself, but I don't want to disappoint Ezra. I don't want her to be mad at me, or dump me, she is all I have.