Notes

Worst Nightmare: You're Leaving Me Again
*Seen 1d ago*
Oh, we're doing this again. You always do this, the same trick, the same routine, and I go along with it every single time. You come like a dream and leave me in broken pieces like my worst nightmare; this cycle is constantly on repeat. You could've at least made up some excuse, telling me if I did anything wrong.
You come to me every couple of months every time you need some backup and throw ever-so-sweet words at me. You tell me I'm beautiful, you tell me you've missed me, you tell me that you like me. You never seem to tell me that you love me, telling me you aren't ready, telling me you can't commit. I said I'll wait, I'll wait for all of this life and the next one, and the next. I would wait for you for all eternity, for centuries on end, till time itself breaks me apart.
You, I adore you, I love you, I want you so terribly bad that I bring destruction and chaos upon myself just to satisfy you every time. I don't care about the battery of my phone draining, or the assignments from school missing; I just want to have you look at me again.
I know this is unhealthy, I know that I'm not your first choice and will never be, I know our conversations aren't as cheerful and happy as they used to be before, and I know you only ever want pictures and to get a reaction out of me...but I go along with it every single time. I know this routine, I recognize it, and I anxiously wait for it every couple of months. I thrive off of this routine, hand covering my face my cheeks red as I think back to what beautiful words you have said; though everyone tells me it was the bare minimum. I didn't know the validation that you offered me was so desperately needed, I didn't realize that you were almost like a drug for me.
You have me clawing at my heart as it races and skips, kneeling on the floor, yearning for your voice again only to receive nothing but silence. You have me giggling like a high school girl with the memories that stain my heart on replay in my head. I daydream and fantasize about a world where it could be only us and we can put this ridiculous cycle of nightmares and heartbreak behind us.
That curly-haired boy reminds me of you, my favorite artist reminds me of you, everything reminds me of you. I want to tell you the little bits and pieces of my day but you never seem to be interested, you seem bothered even. And even now, with silence and thousands of miles in between us, I still want to tell you about my day, about how I adore you, how lovely my new nails are, and how I love what I wrote for this server writing event.
Despite all the tears I have cried for you, the mistakes I made for you, despite the pain and suffering I went through; I can't help but love you. You coming back to me is a beautiful dream, with you leaving as my worst nightmare. So I'll let you cheat, I'll let you lie and run and ghost me like a coward, and I'll let you in, every single time. I just hope that your visit this time will last a little longer.