Notes

It feels like June and me are being distance ever since I stopped liking her it just feels like I wanna stop being friends with her but now I like Giuliana and now I'm scared if I stop liking then I won't talk to her at all even though I have her in most of my classes and it's gonna be awkard I mean i'm glad that I'm not in any classes with June I know me and her would stop talking to each other all day. I don't even talk to her in lunch even though we sit next to each other at lunch cause that's how we always sit at lunch. But it's just weird that i'm always questioning myself because of her and It's just making me sad in life and making me have more problems in life than I ever had before I don't know if I wanna stop being friends with June cause I know I have high school with her so it's gonna be very awkard throughout high school years. I wish me and June would get along again cause me and June would always call, text, and send each other snaps. We've been in touch for a few days while I liked her. But now it's just worse I have a feeling that I wanna talk to anyone except the people who make me happy a lot in my classes which is Giuliana, luke, paulette, kaylee, brooklym, micheal, kaylee, lydia, aviana, cody, aarabella, ivanna, axe, bella, and other people who I forgot their name scause their are too many friends that make my life happier and just makes me wanna live more and come to school every morning. Now it's not gonna be easy anymore cause of June I used been by June's side everyday and now I don't really care about her or what she is going through. Now i don't feel like telling anyone about it not even the people who aren't in my friend group I know I'm making everything worse just by telling one of my friends in the friend group about how i feel. I just feel annoying to them, I have anxiety, stress. depression, and other things that got me crying everyday that makes me wanna end my life so bad. Paulette said I need to stay with June so that way I can gain that friendship on her again but I was thinking of not being her friend and then If I gain the friend ship again then we will start over on this friendship that was my plan. but no I decided to listen to Paulette instead even though that is not gonna work at all. But I just rather wanna talk to luke, abby, paulette, or aAy and if I talk to someone it's not gonna help I promise you it never helps my problems in life. When I was a little kid I was the one who gets the blame and always saying I'm the youngest so I have to listen to my older siblings. But me getting blamed for everything gave me child trauma cause there is this one time that my dad was beating me up just because for hitting the door so hard that I didn't do it so I was confused on who blamed me for this that made me get child trauma so bad. When I was talking to my sister yesterday we talking about my child trauma and when she said that she blamed me for it I was like starting cry and be mad about it and then she just laugh at me like I didn't care but I did cause that day gave so much stress, anxiety, and depression that my sister doesn't know about it behind the truth of all of this abusive childhood trauma.