Notes

Today is January 12, 2023
My day was kind of frustrating because I have been trying to talk to Lucas for the past 2 days and he keeps ignoring me or agree to one thing and the next second he doesn't do it and that is one of the main that just piss me off. Monday i had broken up with Lucas and 2 days later I kind of regrated it in a sense because I still care for him but I couldn't handle some of the things he would do, and I would self-sabotage the relationship and I know that isn't a good thing to do but i was so good at it because of Tyriq. Tyriq and came back into my life about 2 to 3 days prior to me breaking up with Lucas and he made me think about things I shouldn't have been because I was in a relationship, and I do feel bad. I have been trying to talk to Lucas about how I felt about everything and if we could talk about everything but know after everything that has happened, I don't believe that's a good idea. I care for Lucas but I don't know if he is the right choice for me, I am a very independent person and have been my entire life and sometimes it's hard opening up to people and I kind of feel like Lucas is a dependent person because of how he grew up and no that isn't a bad thing but also not a good thing because he is emotionally not available and what's to know every little detail in your life even if you're not ready to share that scary side of you to him yet. Lucas seems like a very kind and loving person but to someone who can give him the type of love and support that he needs and deserves. Knowing how I grew up and how I am, has a person, I am not that for Lucas. Growing up in a household which was you against everyone and everything, it was hard to express your emotions and actual but yourself before other. I grew up in a house which I had to take care of my little sister and how i needed to make sure everyone ate before going to bed because my mom worked nights and she was closed off until her bipolar kicked in and she turned mean. Everything we did would piss her off to a point where she would beat us with a belt or dragged down the hallway by our hair, just simple things like that. I learned how to close myself off for the real world but be the person everyone thought they knew has the loud and funny one, I wasn't, I am emotionally closed off, and know just a mean person and it kind of sucks knowing that is what everyone thinks about me but at the same time I could care less. When I do try to open to people, I get shot down like my emotion and feels don't matter so I turn into this mean person that everyone now knows me as because I was tired of getting hurt every turn I take.