Notes

I know that this is kind of weird. I'm just typing out things that I could never say to you in real life. But I think that I need a way to vent and this, for some reason, feels a lot better than just talking to myself. I know that you probably figured this out already, but in case you didn't know I really like you. I have never liked a guy before and everything about you feels different. I know that I'm probably way to young to say this, and we didn't even date so this could potentially come off creepy but I think I might love you. I have no idea how it's suppose to feel, but the way I feel about you is definitely something that 'like' doesn't seem to quiet cover. I don't really know when this started. It's just that one day I noticed how much I looked forward to talking to you, and I really noticed when a day went by that we didn't talk. I'm not that romantic of a person but all of the sudden I was listening to love songs, and I realized that I liked you. But I didn't tell you because we had no classes together and it didn't seem like something to text. You were on my mind all the time and not long after I realized I liked you, Katherine and Ana found out. They talked with me about it, and you know Katherine she wanted me to tell you everything and plan to do something together. She had me pretty much convinced that the feelings were mutual. Not long after that you stopped talking to me. All you ever sent me was game pigeon messages, I realized near the end of our actually talking I was starting all the conversations and you were ending them. I felt like I was annoying you so I was going to let you start the next conversation and you never did. So I started one and after about three texts you just sent back 8-ball. And I realized that there was no way in hell that you liked me too. I was humiliated and pretty mad. I felt like I didn't even matter as a friend to you. I know that this is a stretch and probably not true in any way, but I feel like I am your back up plan when Sophie is busy. It hurts that you don't care, and I think the worst part is that you were always such a nice guy that I was kind of blind sided by this. I know that you weren't trying to hurt me, but it hurts all the same. The way I thought of you I don't think will ever really come back. If you start acting like how you used to I will probably just see it as fake and I will be wondering why. I wish I could actually tell you all of this, but I know I can't. You didn't do anything wrong, and honestly neither did I. I know now how one sided this relationship is. You are probably going to think I'm a bitch when I stop talking to you, but I'm not trying to be. And I know this sounds cliche but I need space. I think it will be really good for me to stop talking to you because I didn't fall for you in a superficial way. I fell in love with the way we talked and your personality and how I never really felt that I could be the way I was with you with any other guy I knew. I need to get over all that. It's about time I move on from the first guy I ever liked, but I can't do that and be playing game pigeon and talking to you because every time you text me now it just hurts. I wish I didn't miss you and I wish it wasn't so hard to get over everything. I know you will never see this. And I know that I will find another guy to like, but I also have a feeling every time I see I am going to wonder what if. I think there is always going to be feeling like this towards you. I know that it will dim and one day I will fall for a guy that falls back, but you are always going to be the first guy I liked and you are also going to be the first guy who hurt me. I think I just wish we could have had something. I wish I had some validation for how I felt or something to hold on to. I wish we could have had a relationship even if it was brief because then I think all of this would be better. It would be so definite and I could have some closure. But instead I feel like an idiot who has wasted all her time thinking about something that is never going to happen. And now I have to actively try to get over something that wasn't real or there and I can't really yell at you or do anything that would make you think that I am mad at you. And I told my friends that I'm over it. I even laugh about it. But the truth the feelings aren't gone yet. I feel kind of dumb writing all this but for some reason it made me feel a little better writing this all down. I have a lot of things going on right now other than you. I think it's going to hurt a lot letting those feelings go. Not just miss you kind of hurt. The kind where I have to realize that I am a different person than the one I was before you. It's going to hurt to give up on having a relationship any time soon. It's not like I really want a boyfriend that bad, but it just felt nice to love someone. I know I should delete all the texts you ever sent me but I can't do that. I look back on them to remember the times where we did talk, where we were at least friends but now I wouldn't call us that. I would say that your a guy who I used to be friends with. I hope that one day It doesn't hurt to see you and to hear about you. And I honestly want the best for you, I hope you end you really happy without me in you life. I didn't mean for all of this to sound as dramatic as it does. I have a lot of other stuff I care about and although from reading this you would think that I don't think about anything other than you, but I do. Getting over you is not some all consuming process, it's just kind of sucks and it's hard. I wish I could tell you why I'm cutting you off from my life but that would require letting you know how I feel. Right now there feels like there is a hole in my life, not a you sized hole or anything, just the hole of talking to you because I did that everyday. Before I know it, that something miss will be filled with a another great thing. I am hopeful about a future without you, but at the same time it sucks that we almost could have been something. It also sucks that I don't really know where you stand for sure. I'm pretty sure you don't like me back but at the same time you could have just been busy or scared of how you feel or trying to play it cool or hard to get. I wish I knew all of this before so I didn't have to wonder how you felt. At this point it would be pointless to tell you though. Because I don't want to be with you. I know that you are not the guy for me and I'm not the girl for you. I hate that you stopped talking to me and it has ruined a lot of the good memories we had. It also made me never want to date you or anything like that, but that doesn't make all the feelings go away. It really sucks that we had to end our friendship with you ignoring me like I'm annoying. We talked almost everyday for a year and now it's like you can't even spare a simple two minute conversation. Unfortunately I think there is a piece of me that still holds out hope for us, but maybe that will change with time and space. And that is all I have to say about that. I mean literally that is everything I have to say about me and you.