Notes

I wish she didn't do it but i didn't tell her this because if i did, she wouldn't be doing what she wants and i would be the bad guy. Right? I don't want to be the bad guy. I just want her to know that i care, i care too much. i wanted to be the first person to see it anyways but i cant tell her because she would know, i cant tell her because she would know that i have feelings for her. even though i want to tell her, even though i want her to know, their are things keeping me from doing that. My anxiety, my fear of rejection and the fear of losing her as a best friend. Why? Why does it hurt, does she know that i like her, does she know that my feelings for her are growing? Why must i go through this? Does our age difference affect this going any further? She's going away soon. Why can't i tell her to stay? What if she meets someone else while she is away chasing her dream? why do the tears want to come out but they stay in? Should i tell her? Should i tell her i have feelings for her? what would she say? would she reject me completely? would she love me back? would she stay my friend? Is she my friend now? Do i matter? Do i matter to her? Does she know how much she matters to me? Am i an obligation or friend, i cant tell anymore?