March 17, 2017 this might be the 3rd time I attempt this, I really suck at it, and everything else for that matter. I uninstalled Whatsapp to not rely as much on my phone besides for entertainment such as manga or videos. It seems pointless to do such a thing but I don't know what else to do, I'll do my best to remember to wake up at 5am and exercise in the morning and at night, also In the evening but only if I can, my mood plays a huge factor on that and it's rare for me to feel good/ happy. I'll also try to constantly change our routine so we never run out of anything in the house and they both get to do what they want, unfortunately regardless of what I do I do not enjoy any event or hobby, so I have to postpone myself till later, later being when we get internet of our own which would be when we move out and I start my new job. Some can be going to the beach, park, water park, chuck e. cheeses, mall, movies, morro, all of these have differences from expenses to weather and of course how annoying they are, but they aren't for me and as stated before I don't matter for a while (it's for the best). If I can at least make exercise my hobby it's something everyone can accept and support and will help me in the long run. Even if I don't like it, I should look into protein meals, and cook them myself, even if they don't taste great, priority is price and quantity, quality would be a bonus. I will and I mean WILL stop buying soft drinks, and refills at work, not because it's unhealthy (it is) but because I'm throwing away money, water is way healthier and way cheaper. I might have to buy multiple bowls for my lunches since I don't eat a lot at once I can try to make myself multiple meals a day and even help my family eat better too. I'm sure it will all seem depressing and bad at first but I really have no other way of forcing myself to change except well, by forcing myself to by taking away my selfishness. Right now I could be starting all this but I'm sitting here in a dark room typing away and relieving stress, one thing at a time right? Today is a good day to start, I'll look up recipes, make inventory on the house, clean the house first of course, put away my games and such so I am not willing to take them out. For the meals I'll start off nice and easy so I am not overwhelmed, maybe just a big lunch and I eat some in the morning and the rest at noon, at gradually make more meals. For exercise push ups, jumping jacks, and lunges and at night the same but run half a mile (around 2 laps) and gradually build up on it. For tidiness I can just make sure at the end of the day everything is clean and in place, and slowly get to a point where it's all clean and in place at all times. Now that I think about it I don't have any chicken breast, which is the easy way to cook and get protein, I hope there's an easy way for chicken. I shouldn't involve Kelly on this routine thing, it'd be better if she just involved herself if she's interested, but I have to keep this a solo effort, so I become a reliable and good dad/husband. I'm hoping this doesn't slowly crush me and instead keeps me so busy I won't have time to think about myself, I can do that when I finally have wifi, and even if I don't out of fear I'll go back to my stupid ways I can just wait till the kids grow up and then I''l have nothing to fear, but again, it all depends on how it affects me, I can only hope, nothing I can do except the cause, the effect is beyond me. Reading some of this for sure it all seems depressing, even more so than I thought before starting, but it's really not I promise (promise myself since I'm not writing this for anyone) it's all for the greater good, sacrifice is needed and I knew it all along but I wanted to explore my options and leave this as last resort, sadly all the other ones were useless and this one seems to be the best despite the cost. It's almost 8pm, I won't have much time to clean or cook so I should hurry and get home so I can at least clean and take some rice I made and chicken from yesterday, I can even take some pasta just to have more variety. One huge, and I mean HUGE problem is my libido, I can't keep it under control and I hate depending on pornography, I don't even like that women do that yet I fap to it? Such hypocrisy and it ends up making me so perverted I fantasize about women I see on the streets, it has got to stop, and deleting them does nothing, I need a reliable way to lower my libido, cause I can keep myself busy for only so long, at night is when I am not only free from shores, but next to my partner who not only do I find too attractive to just avoid but she is never in the mood, and I doubt it's just because of the pregnancy, this will probably carry on afterwards, so I desperately need a solution to this useless libido that only causes me anguish and shame. I'll update this every now and then, I might not be able to do it daily since it is a website and I lack an internet connection of my own. Hopefully next time I update it it's with good news and progress and not a rough start.
