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sorry for saying this at like 12 at night
and im hoping you're not awake still lol
but last night i got really upset
because like
i started thinking about everyone at school
and how there's like
literally only one person i can talk to anymore, which is adrian
but even he's kinda... not okay at times
and im pretty sure llyam is mad at me too
because im not as good as gabbi is
apparently she's like the best person at school all of a sudden
and now i feel like i'm the worse perosn at school for breaking up with her
even if nobody says anything, i feel like there's a lot of people who look at me and think im horrible
and i feel like im horrible now too
and then here at home,
sure, you and dad made up and everything
and im very glad you guys did but
ashlyn doesn't make me feel welcome
and i certainly dont feel welcome around dad because
i like girls
and it's such a sin in his eyes
and i know for a fact that if anyone else in this family knew
I'd be the mistake child that just didnt come out right
and i really hate that thought
and thats why i've been thinking that everything would be better off if i weren't here
which brings me to the suicide topic
it probably sounds stupid to be thinking about suicide because of this
self harm, too
which, i did do it again, but it's really nothing serious
i need to stop, but i dont know what else to do
sometimes i get so upset, but i cant even cry
its like i just dont feel anything
i guess thats why i go to self harm. because then i feel something even if its not emotionally
yeah this all sounds like stupid teenager excuses to you i know
but i want to stop feeling like this and telling you is the only thing i can think of doing.
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