Notes

to do list:
i am really tired..tired both mentally and physically. I want a time to be myself--to be alone-- and not be judged by everyone based on what they think i should act in accordance with. It is becoming really hard for me to understand everything ,its hard to realize that i am a human- i have always thought we were born for a purpoes and surprisingly i still believe that. but..i want a time for my self..i want to travel and live just like McCandless lives in the into the wild. I hate being fake, i hate trying to think i am understanding when I am not. I hate to live in a universe that is surrounded by lies and bullshit. I am trying to comprehend what is happening and face new difficulties and try to face them , wheile it may be the life that the other syrian refugees wants to live. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to go somewhere now, maybe i thought hawaii could be the place for me, but i love people and I love surround them, especially the people whom I have talked everything to and people whom I have loved and trusted. Becuase people could be your love for one minute and your enemy the second. I hate being the excluded person or a person with no high expectations because I fear failure. I do not want to fear failure anymore...because i feared and I failed it. so I want to make myself practice the habit of developing hope within myself. I have lost my hope since I gave up. I have set goals, but sometimes--i do not achieve them. It is truly hurting me to the point where I am into an inescapable state of mind that has been increasing within my soul. If i want to defend women rights, then I actually have to work on that..not just thinking that tmw will come and i will see later then. OH girl no, that's not what will make you successful, but what will make you successful is you believing in yourself and having the capability to set high, well focused, clever, meaningful, beyond your capability goals. No matter what I do now will reflect what I will want to achieve in the future and if I don not have a strong base of thinking and developing a high set of thinking then I won't reach what I am planning to read. I will basically need to organize my life, and I will start doing that by achieving the maximum amount of duties in one day and never sleep without learning something that could help me become more educated and knowledgeable. I really need to get my game going, I need to plan out a new life. Today was just one of another day of my failures and in order to prevent that from happening, I will need to discuss everything with myself and set those high expectations that are not only limited to school but also more into my personal life.
These rejections that I am getting in my life should open up many doors for me to not stop and think of myself as if i will always fail like this. To be honest, no that should encourage me to succeed and step up further and further so I can shone and help into making the diffrene into this indescribable community. To sum, life is hars..yes it is really hars. I am 18 years old and to this day, I am seeing myself gettingrejected into places in which I would cry if I wake and actually sense how this must be felt. I want to change, i want to become a new person. I want to futher dtep up and up and live my life as there is no tomorrow , but sadly that is sometimes rarly happens, and it makes my heart ache and feels heavy. I do not knw what my life is about! I do not like talking to people because they never understood or have the caoablity to understand the meaning of my self or the way I think and the ways dealing with it.