Notes

why?? why do i have to be like this? why is it that everytime i want to express how im feeling to someone in hopes thats it may help me get better it never does? i feel like theres a switch inside of me. a switch that controls my emotions. it taunts me. makes me question what im feeling and you never know what its going to do next. On it theres the on switch... that means i might actually feel happiness and excitment. And then theres the off switch... which makes me feel like all there is, is despair and depression and no joy in my body.... i feel anxious.. Im not sure why.. but my hands are shaking and going numb, my head hurts and my wrist tingling.... the urge is back. the urge to make physical marks to stop all of the pain and every emotion altogether inside of me....the thoughts are starting again, the same thoughts that have almost landed me in hospital twice already. i have no idea why any of this is happening to me; i live a good life. i have parents, two brothers and a sister but i still feel so worthless and alone. im always surrounded by friends and family but ive always felt so alone and disconnected... maybe im not worth anything and thats why i feel like this .? what do you think? am i worthless? am i not worth it? sometimes i wish someone would understand that when i say 'im fine' im never really fine, im fine stands for something much different. it stands for dying inside. stands for help me please jsut help me and notice im suffering.. but no one ever does, they never see past the fake smile i put on for them and that hurts me... that no one ever notices or spends time to actually get to know me better to know what 'im fine' really stands for... and. my wrists ache. they ache with the painful pleasure of knowing what im about to do. and i know i'll regret it afterwards and just fall deeper into my endless pit of depression....what i dont understand is how no one notices me gone or how nobody notices how tired i am all the time... im tired... i just want to go into my eternal sleep now.... my mental energy has run out and im so tired... Goodbye forever.