Notes

I should really explain myself... But in all honestly, I have no idea where to start. If i do actually start, I wouldn't know when to end. I hate texting. Texting is like the phone killer. I rather call or Facetime with someone than to text that person. Yet as much as I hate texting, I didn't have enough courage to actually pick up the phone and call you. I should've. Maybe this wouldn't have happened... Maybe things wouldn't be messed up and awkward. 98% of the time we were talking, I was so scared that you would end up hating me, and you probably do now. Whenever I would text you, I would always be at the edge of my seat hoping something bad won't happen or something. You're unpredictable. You're addicting. It's like you've cast a spell on me... You're like a disease, but you're the cure as well. It's so difficult not talking to you. I'm dying on the inside... In more ways than one, and you're one of those ways. Why did you have to do this to me? You had to be so stubborn to not listen to me when I said we should stop talking. Honestly, I just create more problems in you're life. It killed me when I lost my phone, it meant I wouldn't be able to talk to you anymore... I didn't remember your Apple ID so I couldn't iMessage you after I got a new Apple ID. I only got a new apple ID because I was getting these really weird messages from this guy I don't even know... I also don't remember you're phone number, so that was that. I thought I lost you forever. I cried. Honestly, I cried. I cried for you. I cried about you. I cried because life is shit. I cried because even the most perfect people (i.e: you) can have really crappy lives. I cried because I thought I couldn't be your best friend anymore... I couldn't be your shoulder to cry on. You made me happy when I was at on of my lowest points in life. I needed support, and you were there. I don't understand how you can call me a great guy... I was selfish. I wasn't being like Tobias, from Abnegation. I was this selfish greedy dick who took advantage on someone who was there for him. I'm not that guy. I hate that guy. I hate myself. What kind of person am I? I don't know... You see me as this perfect guy, and I wish I am. I hope to develop as a guy close to perfection, but far enough to never reach it. I want to be perfect only for you. You're judgement and criticism is worth more than you can imagine. You're the epitome of perfection. You are perfection. How beautiful you are inside and out, made you different from everyone else. How strong you can be physically, mentally, and emotionally was just something that made you even more attractive. You're amazing. I can't even. Honestly, you blow everyone out of the water because no one can compare to you. I don't want to let you go, I don't want to lose you. You make me feel more important than I really am. I like feeling needed, wanted even, from you... I know I'm not needed, but I want to be. I want to be the guy that picks you up when you fall, the guy who holds you as you cry. I want to be your Augustus, Percy, and Tobias. And you know what? You're already my Hazel Grace, Annabeth, and Tris.

I need you.
I need you so bad.

Stay with me please? I'm hanging by a thread, and you're the only reason why I'm holding on.

But sometimes I have these thoughts
Sometimes I think I should just let go.