Notes

when I became susidel was when I was 2 1/2 because I could not deal with the fighting in the family it became worse when I was 3 I got took from you and dad I was so sad dad was every thing and you where to my brothers where not the best but they tried to help me I didn't tell anyone about it because I did not know how I was sad mad depressed I was different I don't know how or why I am who I am I want to die but I stay alone because I feel like I will get yelled at if I come out you try and try I will not do it I cant I feel like I'm all ways being watched I have scares because of the pain I have on the inside and the self hate I cant express how much I hate my life I have hade 30 attempts 3 almost secesful but dad and Cherokee and Jesse made me come back I hated them 4 it but I'm glad at times and mad at others I still burn and cut its how I deal with the pain I hold back no one can help that's why I don't want help but if its there I will take it yes I need help but I don't want to say it I can joke laught with you but I am still sad I put on a fake smile so that you are happy but I am cold bitter and not normal on the inside I am susidel some say EMO but I say susidel or nuts or a phyco but I don't know I feel that I am making dad die I should go see him but I don't want people to see me or my scares I cant loose him or my girlfriend I want to know you but I don't want to be in more pain the travling helped I like nature and to play and be a kid but I have a mind of a criminal I am a highter IQ leavel than kids in school I hate bullyes and teachers I hate people they try to help me when I don't want it I cant help who I am its what I do to cope with my pain its not ya'lls choice its mine or I think I have split persinalitys but who knows if I flip you cant tell I don't know I'm all ways sad if I could fix my past would I no I wouldn't it happen 4 a reason I run from my problems but they flow me every where its like I don't know I cant stant this world its not my place it for better people not like me what did I do so bad to deserve this my life is sad to me it is but no one cares about me but some people do but why does it matter I'm a susidel 13 year old with nothing to keep me here dads dieing and mom is to my brothers are allways gone or hate me I'm fat I'm ugly I'm not that popular every one judges me calls me names I'm bullyed you might say I'm complaying but whatever I'm only worthless I'm nothing I'm no one I'm a no body I'm lost in a dark harsh world I make suside notes I'm a goner if some thing goes wrong I blame my self I feel hated I cant deal with it no more iv started to burn more cut very little but its my problem I go to a mintel hospital on this note its what it is I need help but cant tell people I'm starting to give up one life agien but I'm not needed I drink smoke do drugs I get in to troble a lot I was in jail for 2 months but it was what it was I like being alone more I shout people out I cant tell people what I'm feeling I cry more love to get harmed phicily I can take it more than I usto I don't eat that much any more I feel week more I cant realy do much I am NOTHING I got nothing to live for I am a wast of space that's all I am iv had all I can take iv had my time here I help people but I don't know I listin to b-mike he sings some good songs I play movie star planet so I can talk to people I want to be home schooled but my mom wont do it I want to tell my mom and dad I'm sorry for what iv become I wish I was better but I'm not I use to be on meds they helped but when I am off of them I'm very susidel I have more thoughts about it I feel like no one wants to help it only makes it worse I need my meds agin because I'm getting close to it agin I cry every time I look at my self I wish some one understood I have anger problems and it makes my susidel actins worse to axe from axe xoxoxo THE NOBODY