Notes

So it all started a year ago or about. I had to move to an apartment because my dad was moving closer to his job which is like 2 hours away. So it was just going to be me and my mom. I didn’t realize that my dad not being here would affect me so much. The thing that started it all was when my mom tried to commit suicide. It was a normal day.. I went to a soccer game then my dad kept calling me and kept asking why my mom wasn’t answering the phone. So I called my grandma to see if my mom was over her house. She said no so I walked home and then I found her there in her bed. She wasn’t breathing so I called 911. And it just sucked so much seeing her like that. I thought she was going to die. I couldn’t really tell anyone because I honestly don’t have anyone close to me who I can tell stuff like that to. I rode my bike to the hospital to see her because my dad was taking too long to get from where he lived. You know he basically blamed my mom trying to commit suicide on me. Apparently she wrote a suicide note because the police asked if I saw the notebook by her. I wanted to know what it said but they wouldn’t show it to me. All I saw that she wrote was sorry. So that was the start of it all. Christmas was when I realized how unhappy I was. So of course no one to talk to I was just this unhappy kid who wanted to die. Soccer only made it worse. You’re supposed to be happy when you play soccer.. no not me. My coach made me feel like I sucked. Some people don’t know what it’s like to work your ass off and still feel like you’re not good enough. My mom being broke definitely didn’t help. I basically starved myself one week because I think I’m fat. I didn’t start cutting until February. I don’t have the guts to kill myself. I want to though. There are points where I feel absolutely nothing. I literally have mental breakdowns every fucking week. I had one like 3 weeks ago and I sat in the bathroom at school and just cried. I called my mom to pick me up and I hate when she sees me cry because it makes her cry too. The only place I feel welcome is Drama. My best friend Shannon… she lives in PA has helped me so much and just suicide is a touchy topic for me. No one knows what it feels like to be fucking depressed and you have no idea why. So yah, that’s why I’m unhappy sometimes, It’s not you or anything… I just don’t have anyone to talk to here. My dad living 2 hours away definitely doesn’t help. So I cry almost every day because it just hurts and I don’t know what else to do...