Notes

I don't like where I'm going and I don't like what I've become. Life has been so much less than what it could be. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just dumb and lazy. Maybe I just don't want to be happy, deep down. My personal life is near non-existent. I just can't seem to connect with people. I'm boring but I'm no longer happy about it. I don't know the meaning of hard work anymore. I haven't really applied myself since I crammed for the SAT more than four years ago. I wish I could re-discover that laser focus. I wish I had something to work toward, and someone to make it all worth it. I'm not unhappy, but I haven't been really happy in ages. I really hate winter. I hate being cold. I hate having to wear uncomfortable, bulky winter clothing. I miss summer. I miss being 18. I had so much more going for me. I'm a law student now, and I'm terrified I won't be good enough. I don't know if I'm smart enough to compete with some of the ridiculously smart people I'll be up against. I'm worried that even if I do well, I'll be screwed by the bell curve. They say MLS has a 98% employment rate. Who's checking? It sounds unrealistic. The uncertainty is killing me, and I'm too old to be paralyzed by uncertainty and fear of the future. And even if I find a job, my personal life is still a disaster. I wish I still had the friends I had in high school. I wish there were people I'm as comfortable around as that wonderful band of losers. Maybe that's what I miss most about being in a relationship that seemed like it had a future. The comfort of knowing I could be myself and that there was still someone who gave a shit about me. It's sad, really. There's nothing actually stopping me from realizing my potential. I've been far more fortunate than the overwhelming majority of the population. I don't have to worry about money. Although I do wish my dad would tell me how much money we have. I feel guilty about wasting so much money. I shouldn't have spent A$5000 on a road bike when my ability is nowhere near good enough to warrant such an extravagant expenditure. Honestly, I love it and I don't want to give it up. It's damned beautiful to look at, too. But honestly, I should. But I don't want to. It's just so nice. I don't think I've ever had anything close to that nice. I wish I rode more. That's another thing I hate about winter. Cycling is nowhere near as fun nor nearly as enjoyable. I could do laps of Albert park, but not for very long. I'd give up very quickly and I probably wouldn't even consider doing it at any other time than noon. Vomiting a stream of consciousness hasn't been nearly as cathartic as I'd initially hoped. I feel a little better than when I started, but I've still got issues. Anyway, I AM going to study tomorrow. Mark my words. I'll go to the cycling meeting too. I also wonder if my tendency to want expensive trinkets is a symptom of missing her or a deep-seated, pathological, materialistic greed. I know no amount of spending will ever fill that emptiness. But what if that emptiness has nothing to do with loneliness? Maybe I'm just a greedy shit who wants expensive things. In a way, it's almost comforting to