Notes

5/24/18
2:06- I'm trying to breathe, so I can't do much else. I'm trying not to cry, so I can't do as you please, as much as I want to. I am still shaking, not because I'm cold, because I'm afraid to break. I have no room to complain. I really don't. People have it worse. Like you. You can have panic attacks, or something like them. And you have a reason to have these. I'm just weird, always insecure. And I don't know why. The smallest things effect me the most. Simple commands are like stabs. And big orders are like shots. The small ones hurt, but the big ones kill me. And I get used to it. I am used to it. Also, since I'm listening, you talking down to yourself, makes me feel horrible. I take those words and bend them towards myself. I am the one who made you say them. So it most be on me.



2:14- My throat hurts. From trying not to breathe to heavy, or cry. It builds up there I guess? Also, I wish. Oh how badly I wish, I could be stable again. I miss it so much.. And since I haven't been completely stable, it drives me crazy. Trying that is. I get so close, then something, or someone, fucks it up. And now, I have broke again. Thus, the loop continues. I was fine this evening. Kinda pissed at my brother, and dad. But other words, I was fine.




2:24- Finally "Sat up". My legs hurt. But this is all for good, right? I hate sounding so mean. But I guess it's my only defense. Now you ask to see my face, my most unwanted feature. My stomach hurts. I dread every moment. Everything makes this worse. The fact that you're so nice. The fact that you are still here, even though I can/ am a stubborn bitch. The fact that you are willing to keep trying. It makes me happy, but that disappears once I notice how little I return. I feel guilty all the timee. It sucks. I think guilt hurts. I mean, it is what fucked up my eating habits. I can't handle food anymore. It's great :). My stomach always hurts now, thanks to guilt.



2:33- I need to stop laughing. It's annoying to me, and I bet you. And I keep forgetting. Oh, the "I don't feel comfortable with this" bit. It's true, I can't stand it, I may have another attack, that will be minor, only the breathing shit. And maybe shaking. Nothing I haven't been though already. All I know is, is that I don't want to be mentally drained.





11:25 (PM)- To benefit me and be uncomfortable, is to wear more clothing, so during the exercise I have an advantage. To be comfortable, and not benefit me, is just to wear a nightgown, and lose that bit.