Notes

Chapter 1

It was a cold starry night. Marcus lay in bed, looking out of the window with tears in his eyes. All he could think about was how he wasn't good enough for anyone, how every thing seemed to fall apart for him. All he liked at the moment was the warm blanket that his grandma gifted him on his 11th birthday. He missed her a lot. It had been 3 years since she had gone to the 'better place', yet he remembered her warm embrace, how she used to kiss him on the forehead. He missed her.

He hated his mom. All he felt was anger and guilt towards her. Anger because of the way she treated him, all the time he was beaten up by his mom just kept circling in his mind. His mom made him feel guilty for all the shit he had faced through life, as if it was his fault. He didn't know how being normal felt anymore. This had become his normal. He had been terrible for a long time now. Almost all nights, he cried himself to sleep and this night was no different. The same thoughts circled his mind. Whether he should do it or not. Like every other night, he kept summing up the negatives and fell asleep looking for positives to stay.

It wasn't just his mom that made him feel like this. Marcus felt useless. Totally useless, as if he was a mistake that was brought into this unjust world for no reason. He had nothing to look forward to, or anyone to really talk to. He had a couple of people in his life but he never felt he could share how he felt with any of them. He felt alone. He just wanted to run away from his life, become a different person, lead a different life. He didn't want to give all of it up but all this seemed hard and he didn't think he could stay if it wasn't going to change.

Everything he did, felt wrong. He had lost all confidence, in himself and his will to live. He didn't know who he really was anymore. He just tried to be who others wanted him to be and still he felt he was never enough. He thought about it a lot but he had never thought about actually doing it. He always wished something to come his way. Something so awful that he could finally leave his body, his life. Something that would take over his mind completely, make him numb and force him to end it. There was still a little hope left. He wanted himself to be better, everything to be better, but he wasn't sure it would.


Chapter 2

Like every other morning, Marcus woke up wishing he wouldn't have. The bed-side clock displayed 7:08. Lazily he dragged himself to the washroom to 'freshen up' for the new day. It had been a decent weekend, excluding his thoughts that haunted him. His mom had been out with his father for the whole weekend. He had the home to himself. The weekend was over now. 'Back to the fucking torture' he thought. There wasn't any point going to school, considering he would end his life anyway. There was nothing he looked forward to. He had a couple of 'friends' but he never could share anything with any of them. Most of the time he was just alone, hanging out with people he didn't know too well.

He left the house with his bag pack strapped tightly to his back. He could feel the pressure of the books, tugging at his shoulders as if it was trying to bring him down. He walked towards the end of the street where the bus used to come everyday. The bus was a little late today. He got in and walked towards the empty seat trying not to make eye contact with the seniors that sat behind. Keeping the bag beside him, he sat down on the window side, looking out without a thing on mind. He just looked out. The trees, people sitting in their lawns. Everything looked so... alive. He felt dead inside. Blocking out the laughter and loud chatter around him, he continued to look outside.