Notes

It's been a while since I wonder about this but I do want to share it. Getting straight to the point, I want to say that I found that when someone wronged me I could never stay mad for long. I would get angry for the first few minutes and those emotion would get replaced by an overwhelming sadness. The sadness would not consume me because I am strong enough to keep myself in check when I go down the spiral of emotions, and pull myself back up before I go too deep but it makes me wonder why this is. I would remember them and think of what I should had said at the time but I could never bring myself to hate anyone.

Of course like any cliche story would tell you, the desire for revenge and hate is a source of improvement just like putting in hard work. In literature this way of obtaining power is almost always portrayed as inferior to earnest levelling up. We know that is not how it works in the real world after all. Just because there's a few successful people on top of the human food chain doesn't mean most of them up there are not asshats. Negative emotions can take people very far. You can argue that ultimately they would lose to a positive force but denying its usefulness is foolish. Some examples of the advantages of knowing how to hate are being hateful limits how people take advantage of you or makes you want to step up your game so you don't "lose" to the other person.

This is why it slightly concerns me when the thought of me unable to hate properly came up. I began to reason with myself.

In the past I would use self righteousness reasonings such as:
1) Getting angry harms your body (hormones);
2) Hating someone takes too much energy;
3) It hurts more to not care than to hate because by hating a person you show that you still care;
4) They are not worth my time (Bob Ross quote: I can't afford to hate people, I don't have that kind of time);

And eventually these answers do not satisfy me anymore. I haven't give much thought on how to justify myself or at least come up with a better description to describe what I think, but yeah I kind of found my answer, or rather I found a person that can put my opinion into better words. It's a video by David So about Anthony Bourdain that passed away not too long ago. Now in case you don't know I love this man, he's unapologetically funny but also realistic.

He talked about him living in a small bubble which caused him to have a very narrow view and perspective on people, and Anthony Bourdain made him realize that everything he thought was so major in his life was not a big deal at all. He mentioned that it was something else when watching Anthony experience and learn from other culture through food. Anyways here's the quote I want to highlight from the video.

"When you have a small mind and all you care about are the opinion of a small group of people around you, you tend to be a very hateful person. Why? Because you're ignorant. You don't understand other cultures, and then you start to press what you believe onto other people. Because your world is so small, there's only set rules within that world. And that was a person I was; and that was a person that I was becoming. And when I watch this man I started idolizing him because he opened my eyes and made me realize how stupid I am. I wanted to be someone that is open-minded but who's a strong enough person to carry his own opinion."

He also talked about depression and suicide afterwards which I thought was a great watch overall. One of my favourites from him, his take on the topic was great.

Back to the topic about hate, strictly speaking what David said there was just reiteration of what I want to say, except he put everything into a blending machine in his brain and spit out better words than I do. I felt like at some point in my life I've finally and most importantly, I genuinely thought that I don't know jack shit about anything (because before that point I would constantly tell myself I'm an idiot but not really believe it, for self improvement purposes). That point of my life I'm talking about is not a specific time but rather over a period of time. If I have to pinpoint it, it would be when I first went to an international high school, delve into a more diverse ecosystem. I've always hated to go out of my comfort zone but always ended up doing it anyways, by forcing myself into uncomfortable situations. Baby steps on bursting my small bubble before I went to an international high school.

The checklist of being not hateful person:
Open-mindedness
Not caring about what a small group of people thinks
Putting myself out there
Not forcing my own opinion onto other people
Viewing things from a bigger lens
Strong enough to carry my own opinion

I've come a long way, I only had half of these checked before I went to that high school but then again I did had a good starting point. It was easy for me because my behaviour was suitable for the transition for this kind of mindset.

Till this day I still think I don't know shit. I mean I know my own value but as I climb higher and higher I only discover more things that I don't know. I also started to blind myself from seeing what other people value in me, which at times I need to take a step back.
DAMN IT I QUOTED ANOTHER SENTENCE FROM DAVID.

Anyways, I'm really glad the reason I'm not a hateful person is because I can see things from a bigger picture but an old problem remains. Using this as a reason for being not hateful and being strong enough to carry my own opinion requires a certain amount of self righteousness and we've been trained that this is not a good thing. Even I cannot escape that fuzzy feeling at the back of my head but it is definitely worth it, and I'll have to live with it, facing flames or admiration from different people throughout my entire life because humans are social creatures after all.

Either way, they are heavy as they stack up so I might as well try to find a way to enjoy them.

END


Here's the video I referenced: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy513q97uaA
There's always discomfort.
If you persevere, it will always get better.
Worry is a misuse of imagination, the mind playing tricks on you.