Notes

take out article
why do i need to be the best? we are always lacking something and we need to validate ourselves
i needed to validate myself by being the best but, i became distracted by video games and the duke talent search showed me that in order to be the best you need to put in effort
My oldest sister was first generation college student and my second sister went to a prestigious Atlanta college and being the youngest in the family fueled my drive to be the best.
Redo thesis and make the intro paragraph needs to be concise but give an overview
Experiences in my life have led to an epiphany.
Don't use last sentences of intro paragraph
Use second paragraph as a place to really introduce the self conflict of validation with older sisters.
But the lore of other things began to pull me away. last sentence of second paragraph.
First sentence third Par. By the time i got to the 6th grade video games were a more attractive or appealing way to spend my time.
Video games can alter the brain in similar ways to those of drugs; start over on sentence. (the changes observed.)
Quickly growing is not good just say "this growing addiction
Reword the first sentence in the 4th paragraph. I was managing to get by with a's but falling behind my classmates.
keep your language more simple and less wordy
change 7th to seventh and don't hyphenate high school.
5th paragraph change myself and classmates to my family and emphasize being the first at something.
Change videogame to video game
change put over to accumulate .
profound and obvious addiction is too absolute and assuming: use this un healthy habit
Maybe add in at the end where i talk about what i learned from it include immediate and long term gratification and my choice for immediate
Change i was far from prepared and say ill-prepared
1st sentence of second to last PAR. rework first sentence and take out contraction.
Topics i didn't know and words i couldn't pronounce.
change to several weeks after taking the test, my classmates and i recieved our scores i opened i compared my scores with my friends. I felt demoralized. show good syntax.
Take out the slash
Re word second to last SENT.
Re word LAST SENT.
I knew this was inportant to me but i chose immediate grat.
Conc: immediate grat.; wrap back around to the thesis and with my competition with bailey and rebecca.
EX: My siblings set the bar high in terms of accomplishments and i still strive to prove myself as capable of achieving great things, too.