Notes

I’m just trying to get you to see that how you treat me has had profound effects on me.
I’m not saying you are the problem.
I’m not saying I have no responsibility.
I’m saying that for every situation you list - the surrounding circumstances should be taken into consideration.
For the last 2 years has been the hardest I’ve ever had to go through.
And you yell and tell everyone how supportive you are and you’ve been nothing but supportive to me... and for how much longer should you be.

We should have just stopped there.
If that’s your reality.

And I’m wasting my breath otherwise.

Were you supportive when you tried to start a fight over finances the morning my dad died.
Were you supportive as I’m telling you how my world was crashing in around me.
How people were responding opposite of how I would expect them to and including you.
How my work assignment was unfair and impossible.
How my boss apologized the Friday before picking up my dad and she admitted it was an impossible assignment and apologized and said she didn’t know that was my assignment.
Did it stop them from assigning it when I came back? No. And acted like that never even happened.
I would try and talk to you about work. Vent my frustrations. And you would take their side.

I feel like you are so oppositional for any opinion or thought I have.

Going to therapy with you was a joke.
If you’re not honest with yourself, you are going to have a very difficult life yourself.

Life is difficult.

I thought I had a partner.
I thought I had someone I could trust.
I thought I had someone that even when things aren’t going well, could still count on.

Well I’m glad I figured the truth out on that before you screw me over somehow.

You can justify your behavior all you want. And you can complain about mine. I’m not perfect either.
But I’m not a piece of shit. I’m not some low life taking advantage of you like you say I’ve been doing for years.
If I’m going to be blamed for it anyway..
but I have more integrity than that.

I’m hurt. And I feel betrayed. Your timing is so suspicious.
I feel like you saw this as an opportunity to get custody of James.
Because if your position to obtain secure housing.
As if I’ve never worked hard my whole life.

You would rather abandon your wife and complain about petty shit. Than work it out.

And yes. Petty.
In the grand scheme of things. In the surrounding circumstances.
Petty.
Yes. I’m late.
Late for everyfucking thing.
I don’t even know why I bother.
I’m in the bathroom.
Ok. So what. Let me hide.
Let me have a moment of peace. Of no brightness of the tv. Away from judgement. Criticism. To self reflect. To meditate. To hide.
The plan was for me to go back to school after we moved.
So much for that.
Especially when you convey your expectation that I should be working- by saying things like how you’ve had to support me for 2 years now.

And no one else connects the negative tone that you only imply to me.

So you’ve financially supported me for 2 years.
You’ve had to. (Obvious resentment)
And how your killing yourself at work for us. (Guilt inducing)

Under the surrounding circumstances, I should feel empathetic to the stress induced from our situation that adds to the stress at work.

But you have no expectation in yourself to EVER be empathetic to the surrounding circumstances with me.
Ever.

Your idea and only validation for taking into consideration the surrounding circumstances, is “not saying anything that frustrates you and/or letting whatever behavior (really?) is happening, let it go and be frustrated until it’s built up and then I”, paraphrasing here- but the gist is and what happens is that, you take it all out on me...
Never mind your shitty attitude in the meantime.

How am I supposed to be empathetic, as I’m insulted.
How do I drop my defensiveness when you craft your words in such a way that doesn’t resemble me and suggest motives criminal to my very nature.

And your reply. Ugh.
It is so off the mark and not at all what I mean.

And yes. When you bring up things that haven’t happened for a long time - it is petty. You’re looking for fault. Nit picking.
Subtle at first. And gains steam.
I have tried everything. I listen. I validate. I repeat it back. I try. You still crucify me over everything I have ever done. Or not done.
Making it near impossible to ever rise above it if you’re scolding me for it still.

If you had an ounce of respect for me, these arguments wouldn’t be the mountains you’ve made them into.
You are allowing yourself to believe the exaggerated versions you tell, and succumbing to that victim status.

Like the dilemma you think you have.

Any normal person that had doubt- would ride it out until they were certain.

I’m not imprisoning you. You’re free to do whatever you like. You always do anyway.

And if you’re so certain - than leave.

It’s not rocket science.

But it doesn’t shatter my world to have such answers simplified right?

You have to torture me and drag it out, knowing such suspense is killing me.
Give me false hope by sending ultimatums and leading me on - just to crush me when I respond.

You’re sadistic.

And then continue to act like you do. And say you’re so conflicted about staying or leaving.

If it’s that much of a dilemma than let me make it easy for you.

It was a mistake begging you to stay. A very desperate one and I’ll not ever make that one again.

It was a mistake to make us out to be more than what we are.

It was a mistake to ignore the red flags through the years, hoping I was wrong.

It was a mistake to give you the benefit of the doubt.

A mistake to give you the respect at the cost of my own.

A mistake to give you and your words so much control over me.

It was mistake to trust you

a mistake to think you
wouldn’t use my love and trust and the control I gave you, and exploiting my weakness, use it against me.

It was a mistake to ever think you wanted me as a partner. Or even part of your life.

It was a mistake to think you would ever respect me. Or even wanted to.
Or even truly loved me for that matter.

Maybe it was all a mistake.

Youre not responsible for me.
And you’re free to do whatever you like.
It was a mistake to care about stupid things like that anyway.
Text all you want. You don’t even have to erase them.
Talk all you want. You don’t even have to hide them.

I’ve hit a new level of not giving a shit.
I really don’t care what happens at this point.
Congratulations to me.