Notes

Everything is over by now. The whole race has come to an end. I don't have to compete with anyone anymore. I'm so sick of everything. I just want to end it all. My brain will finally shut off. I can't keep on living the way i lived for so long now and pretend that it makes me satisfied. So many things went wrong and i can't wrap my mind around the fact that i had been so naive and hopefull for such a long time. I wasn't meant to be happy. The one thing that i enjoyed during childhood was knowing that the good things are ahead of me. I spent most of my childhood just imaging what possiblities might arise once i would hit the adult stage. I had the naive belief that problems could simply dissapear. By the time i reached the age of 20 i had to realise that i was wrong. There is so much i could write about, but i don't want to be an open book. I believed that i was special and now i realised that i'm just as dumb as the others if not way dumber. All i had in my life were hopes and dreams. But those dreams turned into a living hell if you can't reach them. And i can't just pretend. I want to be able to live in the absolute reality. I want to close my eyes over things that are in front of me. I can observe different types of people: People who seem to live with a life quality much higher than me. Then there are the ones who are just as incompetent and delusional as i am. Their life quality seems to be higher, but i am disgusted by them. I don't want to be the laughing stock. People do 't tend to take human suffering seriously, so it's my job to take actions. This will wake up most of these sheep. With every new day i seem to become more and misrable. I blame other people for the problems that i caused myself. I don't want others to succeed, cause i'm afraid that they might take things away from me. Yet at the same time i also don't want to see them fail, cause i know that when others fail, i might fail as well.