Notes

so i might be moving moving in with my dad and going back to nova and i miss people there but at the same time i feel guilt cause i feel like if maybe if i move thats going to hurt my mom but at times she is kinda mean and she is mean and she calls me names and it hurts and i want it to stop but its been going on for so long and i dont know if its ever going to stop and im tired and i really dont know how to feel i dont even know who i am i dont even know if im bisexual or straight and i wanna be straight but i dont know because no ones there to support me and talk to me about what im comfortable with i mean my dads there but that kind of thing you have with your mo and mine is just not there and grandma if i even mention the bisexual thing (sigh) down hill for me and i dont even know how the rest of my family is going to react but im still trying it out and i kinda think that i have feelings for dalany and i dont know how to tell her because its the end of summer and shes not coming to the felid trip (possibly) and shes not coming in the school year and im not going to meadowbrook and i dont know what to do i just want to go up to her and say i like u and she already knows that and i think she likes me cause when the 772 song came on and i was singing it to her she started blushing and when i was doing the will you go out with me prank with alyah (which she did not do her person) she said i dont know and then she started blushing and then i told her what we were doing and then i asked her if she was bi and she said sometimes but i think that she is but other than that my ex first girlfriend tanyih i feel bad cause i think i should have told her the truth that i have never dated a girl before and then maybe things would have ended diffrent or maybe we still have been friends im not even sure we are anymore and i know i dont have feelings for her and according to the internet i dont get the love and affection that i need at home so when i go places and i date people its not that i like them its just that im lurking for love (apperently) and i dont want to do that i really feel like i have feelings for dalany and im going to have to practice 2 speeches one for the meeting thats with me mommy and my dad and that one is due when i get my phone back which is probly tommrow or in 2 days and theother one is for what im supposed to say to dalny but i still dont have a perfect speech that im going to remember and going to say to mommy but im going to write it down but i just need a person that i can go to so i can talk about this stuff but everytime i think of the person in almost cry because i knew them for so long and i just moved away like that not even knowing not even saying a goodbye and thast hurts everytime i think about it and she just gets me but trust me we act like we date when you think about zariah and alyah and how we act we act kinda like them but more cause they met each other of 3 mouths and we knew each other for 8 years and its just funny when you look back at the fun things that we been thru together and just writeing this down is just just like lettin g it go and i just ove that just letting go and with everything just going on in my life i forgot on how much i love to write and just let go of old things it just makes me feel ike im just washing off all the negitive things in my life and i just love it and i think with all this writeing i i finnaly figured outwhat im going to say to dalany "dalany i know everything you said and i just wanna say that i think i do have some feelings for you and i would love to go out with you but todays the last day of summer and your not coming in the school year and your not coming the next summer and i should have asked you earlyer so than maybe we could have worked something out but i didnt so i wanted to ask you 2 questions 1 can we go out for how long or whatever and.. this is going to sound weird but........ 2...........can.......i..........kiss......you....... but thats all i got in my head i dontkn ow if any of that is going to go thru my lips when it comes i dont even if she going n the felid trip (probly not) cause i saw her dadshke his head no when she asked but there would be no point cause then i would probly only see her for a coulple minutes and then i would leave i think i sould just move on ya thats what im going to do thers no point imma text my dad goodnight and i dont even know why im typeing this part but whatever imma deleate these soooooo and im sneeking my phone dont care what she says my phone has been taken away for a week and im starting to get bored and when i turned on my phone i had so many notifications more then i ever had at once i missed so many calls and texts i feel bad i need to text chandeline and others i need my phone tommrow and that was karma when mommy cut herself with that knife cause when she told me i could not have my phone she cut her finger karma nut fr fr going to text my dad now and its just me and alyah on monday!!!!!! and i cant stop typeing i just cant i want my head telling me stop but my heart keeps typeing and i dont want to delete this becuase if mommy finds this trust me i would jhave a lot of explaining to do and plus when she tells my dad dumm dumm dummm {dramatic sounds:)} i think he is going to give on me if he ever read this but you never know what he future holds but theres a slight problem i .............................. eat chicken :) XD ok lemme stop my neack hurts bruh :( i feel so much better after all this i feel so satified with everything i feel so calm and relaxed (sigh) my self esteem has hit rock bottom but im done i have nothing else to talk about nothing more that i have to let go of till tommrow or something but good night nobody XD im saying goodnight to noone i really need a new bsf for now i guess but i still dont feel comfortable talking to jonajah and cyann is my bsf that gets everything and listens and gives her opinion and we tell each other everything i hope moving has not affected our friendship i mean we still talk but what after i come back i dont think i will be crying to come back to these people in orlando anyways but im reallt going to email my dad and im arm my fingers my neck and mu heel hurts so imma sleep after this and listen to music and i wrote a lot like dang all this writeing going to waste but have such a big affcet on me i think some of y self esteem came back also cant wait for monday!!!!!!!!