Notes

I'm not really too sure where to start.

Well, ever since I've been off school, I've obviously had nothing to do. Except for my boyfriend, I don't really have any friends and I don't talk to my family that often either. So, when I left school at the end of June, I've kinda just, been lying in bed and doing nothing. It gave me a lot of time to think about, well, everything really. My past, what was happening now, what my future could be like. When I realized that I wouldn't be doing anything, my mood started to drop more and more as the days went on.

Sometimes when I'm upset, I tend to go on walks to this big park and sometimes watch planes land. But, when I went around a week ago, I realized how badly I despised these walks, or perhaps the thought of going on these walks. It only made my mood drop more on the way home.

From then on, I only started to feel worse. It soon came to a point where I had no motivation to even get out of bed. One day I woke up at 3pm and went back to sleep at 10pm, sleeping away the whole day.
And then, a few days ago, on the 26th of July, at around half three in the morning, I attempted to take my own life.

I went downstairs to my kitchen and took a knife from the draw. I had planned to stab myself in the stomach, but, I just couldn't. I still had that small shred of hope that told me that everything was going to be okay. I just dropped the knife and cried. I'm not too sure how long for. I think I was down there for about an hour. I'm surprised no one heard me.

I mean, there was still reasons as why I shouldn't kill myself. Obviously, people would miss me. But there's always a part of me that thinks that people wouldn't miss me as much as I hope. I still need to find out if I did okay with my exams. My birthday is on friday. 16 is a big step for people my age, because being legal is cool, or something. There's everyone on discord. No one would know what happened if I suddenly vanished.

I did end up typing my feelings out on my phone. Just as a way to get everything out somewhere, but I ended up deleting it when I woke up the next morning. I don't know if it was the fear of someone confronting me about that happened or the guilt of it happening in the first place that made me delete it.

I went around a day before my boyfriend invited me out. He noticed that I hadn't been out the house for a while, and thought it would be for the best. I was reluctant, but I did eventually drag myself out the house. We went to a nearby park and, when he brought up that something was wrong, I ended up breaking down and telling him everything. I stayed at his house for a few days and I ended up barely touching my phone.
I'm so sorry that I caused you to worry.