Notes

I've been meaning to write this sooner than later. I don't know how it got to this point. It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. It’s amazing to think that once we were all inseparable, the best of friends. I needed to write this. I'm sure you, Dina, or your sister don't want to hear from me and think I'm a horrible person and that I just forgot about you guys. I didn't. If you're wondering, I'm miserable here. I didn't want to ignore you guys. You know you can't be forgotten, that would be like forgetting myself. It wasn't in my intention to stop talking to you all. I can't give you an answer because I, myself, don't know. I just needed time alone to reflect on what the fuck is happening with my life. I don't know why I cut you guys off to do that, but I was depressed and I didn't know why. I started speaking to a therapist. Then I was prescribed these bullshit pills.

I wrote about you guys almost daily, and other irrelevant things. I was always hesitant to actually send anything, and lacked the courage to. Now, this is this is starting to sound like a romance novel, but it's true. I'm not trying to condone my actions, but I want you to know I didn't just ditch you all for my own selfish reasons. I was so upset, and I really did not want to speak to anyone at all. I just wanted to be alone. I did lash out inappropriately at my own best-friends but that comes with the territory of it all.

After weeks went by, I didn't know what to do. I knew you guys were calling, but I was nervous. I knew you were angry at me. I knew nothing I said could fix things, so I just gave up on it. It took me till tonight to realize what I really did. It took me till tonight to realize if I don't let this out sooner or later. Years will go by and we'll never talk, and I'll have wished I sent this. I checked my Instagram and I saw that Lana left me a video and broke my heart completely. That was the breaking point for me where I knew I couldn't even try to reconcile things. I hurt her, and I couldn't forgive myself for that. I saw both the videos.

Another thing, you should know is I did attempt to message Sarah on her Skype before that first video Lana sent me. I thought you guys ignored it, which led me to believe I should just leave it at that. I then logged back in and realized it never went through. Obviously it didn't matter at that point. The damage was already done. I don't want to sit here and reiterate things, but I'm writing this because if I didn't it would eat me alive. I guess it's closure for you guys and me. All while this is happening, i'm working my ass off and saving money to go to Jordan: not realizing I lost the people I care for their. I know things are not going to be the same, and I know this probably will not mean anything to you guys but it's better to let you guys know than to just leave it in. Whether you choose to insult me, block me, or even just blatantly laugh at all of this; that's fine. I just really want you to read this and understand that I was in a bad place. I did things I don't even understand. Sending this message is very nerve-wrecking for me.

It is hard for me to believe and comprehend why this is happening. Especially with you involved. I have always thought I was better than that. But I also understand that things happen for a reason and sometimes we just don’t question why things happen the way they do. We are all accountable for our own actions; mine happened to be stupid but I need to accept that. I hope you guys don't hold any grudge against me. It's just odd how things come to be. It feels surreal; The last thing I remember were those Skype calls where we all were just bickering at each other . We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day. I've pretty much sat here and though of every possible outcome that could occur, it's better to have said something than nothing.

I miss you all so much. I hope you're happy with whatever it is that's been happening in your lives. Take care.