Notes

Holy Shit, where do I start!?! The second half of the school year was a dark time for me. I went through lots of stuff, both mentally and physically. I'm glad to say that it's not as bad now, but a few weeks ago, I was horrible. I was going through depression and school stuff kept adding on to that. I'll divide this into 3 sections: My fight with my peers, My fight with myself, and My fight with my Feelings (yes the last 2 are different.) Also, there is one person who is involved with all 3. She made that much of an impact in my life. The first section isn't as bad as I just talk about what was done to me. The second section, well, goes into darker concepts. The last section, I just hope those who read this keep an open mind. Also, I can't edit the last "chapter" so I'll need to address this here. I talked about Philip blaming me for calling his dad an alcoholic. Well, can you really blame me for getting mad at someone who does the same. My dad and his dad are friends, and engaged in similar activities. Yeah, my dad is also an alcoholic, which just disgusts me that Philip chooses that topic to play the victim in, especially since its a sensitive topic to me because I relate it minor abuse , but that's for a later time.

Section 1
Alright, so, as you should know, Andy is becoming an asshole. People are becoming assholes. And the guy who "ruined my childhood" is gone. Sounds like fun, right! Well, I was put through hell in the last few years because of this. I don't know how to explain this here, because it involves me going through my own mind and remembering the shit that was done. For some reason, i have gone through some kind of "lock", where it pains me to go back to those moments. I cry just trying to remember and then i get lots of depressed thoughts, which start to hurt my mental state. Not sure if I should admit this, but I've started crying just thinking about it. That's how bad it got. I do know how to explain some things, but It may leave room for more questions. Andy started off just being silent. Now, i know what some of you may be thinking, "You complain about him being annoying, this should be a blessing". Oh, it was. I was never happier that the time he was quiet. But turns out, he wasn't completely quiet. I started hearing rude remarks a lot more than usual. These weren't the usual remarks i got (being called fat, stupid, etc) No, these started hitting deep. They were attacking not only me, but those I considered my friends, just for being nice to me. It wasn't a surprise when those "friends" threw me under the bus for their own reputation. I started hearing more rumors about me, most stayed between the male honors students, but some spread throughout the class. My class we everything to me in school. I had to see them, hang out with them, and talk with them everyday. But to see that this started happening started to hurt me. I was able to survive most of that, but then something happened that changed me forever. Sometime in February, my grandfather became sick. My dad went to see him in Mexico, and came back a week later. He would make sure to check up on them every day, which was my favorite. part of the day since I was able to engage with them more. Then, the inevitable happened. We get a call from Mexico. The lady on the phone is crying and we could barely make out what she's saying. My dad is at a soccer game with my brother. We prepare him to go to Mexico so he could see his father one last time. I try to hold back tears but it's almost impossible for me to do that. I heard the door open and my dad walks in to our somber household We don't want to tell him, but we had to. Now, i was already broken at this time, but I saw something that completely shattered me. Tears. My dad was crying. The only time i ever saw him cry. This memory is so vivid to me. I can always remember this, but i always end up in tears. The next day, I go to school. I'm already sad, and I try to fake my smile like I always do, but it's painful. Thankfully it was a minimum day, so i was able to leave quick. I decided to stop by Ms Torres' office, so I had someone to talk to. (I'm legit crying just thinking about this) I told her everything that happened this school year. Nothing about my past though. She was very sympathetic and it felt amazing to talk to her. The next day, it goes by normal, except all the teachers know about my grandfather and are so nice to me about it. During lunch though, a familiar face comes up to me. Nadine came up to me and asks me "Why did you never tell me you were being bullied". (For some reason, this phrase, although there is no reason to remember has stuck with me for a long time) She texts me later that day and I tell her what I told Torres. She helps me and for once, makes me feel happy. It felt so wonderful to have a friend again. Becoming friends with her came with a cost though. I was despised more by the male honor's students. They, for some reason, make fun of her all the time. I did see something peculiar though. There is one kid who stays quiet through it all, and doesn't say a thing, who I talk about later. It was still amazing to have a friend. Although she doesn't know this, she did something everyone dreams of doing.

Section 2
I'll be straight with you, I don't believe in therapy. Yeah, stupid thing to think, but I have my reasons. Why would I ever tell someone I don't even know about my fucked up past and feelings. It's not something that makes me feel safe. That being said, if I did believe in this, this whole section would never exist. Now, this whole thing I'm about to say was a thing of the past. i don't feel this way anymore, so don't worry. Now, we get to the dark stuff. You see all the stuff i talked about in the last section, well my feelings about that were everywhere. I never felt happy. Always felt depressed. Once i was going through such a hard time, i did something weird. I started scratching my skin. I could not feel it. For some reason, it felt good. I soon drew blood, and started smiling and almost started laughing. Yeah, I know I'm crazy. I started doing this more often. Once, I got a sharp rock, and had fun with that. Now you're probably thinking this can't be true since there was never a scratch on me, but did you notice I did a complete 180 in my clothes. I hated pants and could not stand long sleeves. After winter though, I only wore that. Even in summer, which was weird to me, but I started to like the clothing. I remember I somehow hit myself in the lunch table and opened up a few scabs, which was painful. I had tears and was about to cry, when I remembered I'm in public. Emma caught me crying, but didn't ask any serious questions about it, which was nice. Alright, we've got all the disgusting bloody stuff out of here, not let's go deeper into my mind at the time. It was made up of mostly suicidal thoughts. Yeah, that's all i could think of. You know how lot's of you kept seeing me "sleeping in math", well it was actually me stuck in my thoughts and I kept trying to drag me out of there. It's hard to explain, but it's like i'm dragged into my dark mind, and I have no choice about it. FYI, this is about the time I talk to Nadine more and we have "pod talks" (I want to call them podcasts to badly but this is no time for that). I believe, that if Nadine were to leave me alone and not have done what she did, I would have been dead. Don't say that i've went too far with this, because that's my view on this. Like, she was a hero to me, and I looked up to her at those times. We realized we had so much in common, but me being me, I found out I had more in common than she thought, but that's not a topic I'd want to talk about here. If Nadine does see this, feel free to text me about it. So, that's pretty much it. Nadine being a decent person was all I needed to have a will to live. It may not have been hard, but she did a lot for me. Maybe too much though.

Section 3
If the other sections were good enough reason why I only want the most trusted people to see this, then this will explain why. This is the only current event in my life, and if I'm correct, Nadine is going to hate me so much after this. Remember that guy who wouldn't take part in dissing Nadine, well he started becoming a big topic between Nadine and me. This is really hard for me to talk about so I'll probably be a big vague. Anyway, there was something we talked about that affected me alot. We talked about Tom and Niall like usual, but then she said I was acting really gay for them. Then we started talking about the guy, let's call him Axel. (This is so only Nadine would know who he is, and any good friends of Nadine. Also, Axel himself probably would know its him) She said that I was probably really gay for Axel because we always talk about him. I had such an awkward reaction because I didn't know what to say. For some reason, this stuck with me, and I don't know why. It tormented me that she though I liked her male friend. Well, I started thinking about him more, and something developed inside me. I had feelings for him that weren't normal. Fuck it, I'll just be honest and say I had a crush on him. I don't know why but it just started to happen. If you paid attention, you could see the exact day where my feelings changed for him. It was weird to me. I liked girls, but for some reason Axel was different. I began to see if i had other feelings for different people, then I saw myself thinking some guys were hot. It was weird for me to think that since I didn't want to be gay, so I kept fighting myself about it. I want to say it started with Tom and Niall, so I started pushing back from them. I wouldn't respond the same way I used to because I was worried I would too "gay". I worried a lot about it, and even asked Nadine if I sounded gay sometimes. Anyways, someone thought I was and decided to tease me about, (the pic they took in DC) but it didn't hurt me as much as Nadine saying I probably was. It was a joke with her, but for some reason, it became a reality to me.