Notes

Whats so frustrating is that i recognize things about myself that are valuable and i haven't met anyone who recognizes that. Sometimes i wonder if i have anything to offer at all or if i've just surrounded myself with people who are blind to it.
Im constantly looking for validation. Someone to tell me that its not just in my head and that its real. Im real. Im brave. Im beautiful.
I dont recognize myself anymore. I hate who i become when someone is in my life. Like everything i do, every decision i make, it revolves around this one person. I stop living for myself and begin living for this other person. I'd like to think everything i do, every picture i post is for me but its not. i dont wanna live that way. I hate knowing that someone out there is actually paying attention to every single little thing that i do and judging me for it. Who i seem to be online isnt entirely what i am in real life. Everything on social media is fake. I want to be real. I wanna be well spoken. I wanna formulate my thoughts so eloquently that i become well-read. literally.
I want to share the parts of me that i love so much. The sweet parts. the soft ones.
I say i miss mexico. i think i miss who i was in Mexico. Everything was so simple. It was routine but it felt so good. Swapmeets on sundays. Walks on the beach with sabrina during the week. Hosting groups from all over the place...that was good. Perhaps thats the big one. the people we'd meet. Meeting people from different parts of the U.S made me feel like id traveled there already.
I loved who i was in Mexico.