Notes

Dear Mike,

It may sound like it, but I'm not mad.

lol that's a joke--I'm pissed. But I'll never give you the satisfaction of showing that you have that much control over me and my emotions. You hurt me. I hope you know that. I know I've lived a pretty boring life so far, but you have hurt me in a way no one has before.

I've been hurt before. People leave. Friends fade away. But yours hurt most. You want to know why? It's certainly not because you meant more to me than other people in life. No, you and I had, from my perspective, just started really becoming friends. It's not our closeness or lack thereof that hurt me so much.

It's that none of it was my fault.

I could not have done anything differently that would have resulted in a different outcome. That's what pisses me off. I can't even blame myself. It's all you. You didn't know where to put your anger so you put it on us. On me. And I'm not a very forgiving person, as I'm sure you'll find out. I know it's a fault of mine. But right now I am grateful for that fault because it is protecting me. Because I will forever hold on to this. Forever. I won't think about it everyday, but I will never let you back into my life so I certainly hope you're not expecting anything else.

Sometimes I really want to give you a piece of my mind. I want to show you just how much your betrayal hurt me. I want you to see your mistakes. I want to shove them in your face so that you can't hide behind your anger towards us anymore. But I'm not an idiot. I know that would not do anything because you obviously do not care about anything right now.

Obvious, you ask?

Yes, it is obvious because actions speak much louder than the lies you have in your head. You probably have a million excuses for your actions but those aren't what I care about. I care about how you have been treating me. And how you have been treating me and my team speaks volumes. So yes, it is very obvious that you don't care, no matter what lies you tell yourself.

I do not want you my life. So go away. Run away to Wilson where your "friends" will advocate for all your bad decisions in life. I put friends in quotation marks for a reason. Those people are not the ones who have your best interests at heart, I hope you know that. But they make you feel good, so please go back them and stay there. I don't particularly want you near me.

You may think this is harsh. But I gave you my trust and that is not something I do lightly, easily, or often. Believe me, you have taught me a valuable lesson.

I hope you are happy.

Actually I don't, but it seems to be the "right" thing to say. I should feel that, but I don't. My team may have gotten over you, but I haven't. Nor have I been able to forgive you yet. I may understand why you are doing what you are doing, but that does not give you a pass. It doesn't. I know it's not about me, but I won't stand to be treated like this. The fact that it is not about me--that it is not my fault at all--only makes it worse. I'm the one paying for your actions because you don't know how to handle yourself. That's shitty.

I'm out of emotion. I'm tired, Mike. Please just let me be. I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna hear your shitty excuses. I don't even wanna hear a half-assed apology. I'm done. This is me walking away. I cared. I let you in. I trusted you. But you walked away first. I need you to know that. I'm not the one who left. I'm not the one who handled things badly. You are. You left. You coped out. You didn't even say it to my face. You lost this relationship. Not that I think you care or ever did. But it makes me feel better to say it. And this letter is for me, not you.

Which is why you'll never see it. You'll never know. I don't want you to know.

Goodbye, Mike.