Notes

Why lie to yourself? Day in and day out pretending that anyone looks twice at the girl with the big, sad eyes and wonders if she is really okay.... when the reality of everything is that no one would blink twice if she just disappeared... I had hoped that someday these feelings would change that somewhere along the way someone would scoop me up and hug me so closely I wouldn't ever be able to fall apart again. I know now that that dream is nothing more than dust in the wind. It will never matter how much I cry, plead, scream, cut, smile, laugh, beg, or pretend because the reality is no one cares about me more than they will care about themselves and I am the freak that is the exact opposite just because I have always loved people more than they will ever try to love me. I guess I am going to have to learn to accept that love, in my specific case, will always be one sided. Okay, I am not saying that no one loves me and will never care about me but what I am saying is that no matter what I will never feel the love that everyone else feels.. That is okay though because I am not like anyone else... I have always known and felt it but have never been able to confirm what the fuck is actually wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe, there is nothing actually wrong with me and I am just a huge fucking crybaby that doesn't know how worthless I am and have just been ignoring the truth all this time.. Sometimes I believe there is nothing wrong with me and I am just not good enough. Not good enough. Never will be. I am a loser.. ha ha ha I went to type lost soul and what I guess my body truly thinks of me really came out.. I really am a huge fucking loser. No friends. Shitty family on both sides. No goals. No money. No talents. No ambitions. No hope. No dreams. No one to open up to. And if I did open up to someone would they even care? Would it change the crushing loneliness? I wish I could know... But there is no one. No one to love me. No one to mourn my death. I didn't know that being alone doesn't always cause loneliness because when I am alone that is when I feel more than when anyone is around. Maybe I am just insane... I want someone to care. Please save me... Maybe I am the selfish one. I am the one begging for attention, love, affection, and appreciation. Maybe I don't deserve those things and that is why I don't know how those things feel.... I wish I could be anyone else. I wish I could just block out all these overwhelming feelings and put on the face of a truly happy person that is loved and wants to keep fighting for everyday of life then maybe I could actually be that person. Wishful thinking never gets anyone anywhere though so I don't know why I try to trick myself into believing anything but I am a worthless, pathetic, ugly (inside and out), despicable human being that will never deserve the air she is so graciously gifted with.