Notes

Dearest Desiree,

Thank you for your letter. I have read it probably 100 times now. Almost as much as I’ve rewritten this letter. I’ve been debating on sending you this (especially since I said I’d leave you alone) but it has been almost a week since we last talked and I felt like I had to write this. You mentioned being together in another life... at another time. Well... I still say... this life... during this time. You’ve always said I was in-tune with you and that I could practically read your mind... and I hope that this still holds true. I’ve been persistent because I know how it feels to be stuck. How it feels to sacrifice for what you believe for a greater good but I’m telling you... this isn’t the right situation to do this with. I know I’m asking a lot here but honestly... what do I need to do to prove that you’re meant for me? What do I need to do to show you that I’m your future? I know change is scary but in this case change can be good. You’d be gaining a fresh start with someone who has done nothing but shown you unconditional love. What more could anyone ask for? We started this thing knowing it wouldn’t be easy. Knowing it wouldn’t be a fairytale at the beginning and I take responsibility for this... just as much as you do. We had some rocky parts but we always worked it out and I don’t want this to be a situation where we stop fighting for one another. Now... I get I’m asking for you to take a leap of faith here... but choose the man you truly love. The man who checks all your boxes and makes you happy. The man who gives you butterflies. Now, if that isn’t me... I understand. I promise you this is my last attempt to get you to jump with me. But if you still love me (like I love you) than please listen to me and have faith that we can weather anything and everything together. I’ve talked about being a power couple with you multiple times and what we decide to do next defines that. When I wake up in the morning... your the first thing I think about. When I go to sleep... I pray for your happiness and your well being. I want a life where I can wake up every morning and have you right beside me. I would give anything to be able to hold you again. To be able to stare into your eyes and look into your soul. No matter the sacrifice... I would do it without question. Even now... my feelings haven’t changed since we last saw each other. I am still deeply in love with you and if anything the time apart has actually made me realize how strong our bond actually is. There hasn’t been anything in my life that I’ve been more certain of. Please don’t feel bad or worry about me. There is nothing in this world that would have prevented me from trying to start a life with you. I know you don’t see it the same way as I do (since we were only together for a short period of time) but I was prepared to do a lot of big steps with you. You were the first woman in my life who I legitimately felt loved and cared for on a deeper level. I would do anything for you. We jived so well together that I even had dreams of us growing old together. Now that might even sound scary to you but I want you to know how far and deep my feelings for you went. You made me whole... made my life better... made me feel like I could do anything and I wanted to do everything out of the thought of being able to share in my success with you. Words can’t even express how I feel about you. The lengths I would go to make you happy... I would of given you the Moon if you asked for it (at least tried). What bothers me with this whole situation is that you believe you haven’t given Randall your 100% which just isn’t true. You’ve admitted to me that marrying him was a mistake. That the passion was never as strong as ours. That the fireworks didn’t go off like they did when I looked into your eyes. What pains me more is the thought of you unhappy. Especially since the elements missing from your marriage are supposed to come naturally and not something you have to work on (it’s either there or it isn’t). Don’t ever let anyone say you didn’t give 100% because you sure as hell did. You were honest with him and continually gave him patience and chances... hoping he would change... but now he is changing but for the wrong reasons... he is changing out of fear of change itself. This isn’t a situation of giving 100% or not (can’t fix something that isn’t meant to be fixed). This is a situation of being with the right man for you. Albeit short... I know your feelings went just as deep as mine and I get feelings are a scary thing. What I’m getting at is... I am the man for you and I hope you know that. I hope you feel it in your bones. There aren’t too many men out there who would have done the things I’ve done and battled/fought for someone if they didn’t truly mean what they said and felt. Even after everything I know... I still wish you’d come back to me. I’m not perfect but I know in my heart you’d be happier with me. Everything in my life reminds me of you... I daydream of you laughing with me. You biting your upper lip after we just kissed... how you’d rest your head on my shoulders and just look into my eyes. You were my partner in crime. My everything. The only thing I held dear in my life besides my family. I wanted to be there for Alex and Rylan. I wanted to do Cub Scouts with Alex and I wanted to build forts in the backyard with him. I wanted to help you at night with Rylan and give you the opportunity to get some more sleep. I wanted to give you a massage while you told me about your day. Sooooo many things. What I’m getting at is although I could move on and find another girl... I don’t want to. There is only one girl on this planet who was meant for me. Who gets me and loves me anyways. Who understands my quirks and nuances and doesn’t judge me for it. Parts of my life have been quite shitty. From being told by multiple people that I wouldn’t amount to anything... to coming home from school and getting my ass kicked by my drunk father because he felt I looked at him wrongly. Imagine a kid who screams at the top of his Lungs for help from anyone... for anyone to listen... for anyone to understand... but no matter how hard he tried... nobody listened. Nobody understood. This kid was discounted and all alone. I’m embarrassed with my family which is why I’ve never brought a girl home. Why I’ve kept my personal life separate from my family life. I’m telling you this because you were the first girl in my life who I didn’t feel afraid to let in or to share. Like I could share anything with you. Now... I love you so I will let you go if none of this means anything to you. This letter is my last chance of trying to get through to you. You won’t hear from me again unless you make the first move. This letter serves a purpose. It shows you my feelings, intentions, thoughts, and different parts of my life. I’m the way that I am because of my mother. She is doing the exact thing your doing right now just for different reasons. Although her husband is much worse than yours. A bitter drunk who puts her down and says filthy things. Who makes her feel small, helpless, and insignificant. My mother is the strongest person I know... she would do anything for anyone and we are beyond close. It hurts me to see her in pain. To be called filthy names and bullied. To watch her be with a man who doesn’t respect her as a person. Your special Desiree! Like beyond special too me! Honestly... you check all my boxes. If I woke up tomorrow and you were the last woman on Earth... I’d be ok with that. Now, I can’t promise you perfection but I can promise you a man who will do everything and anything in his power to make you feel like a princess... my princess! Now for the epic conclusion... I could continue this letter forever. I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. This might be the last time I’m ever going to talk to you again :(. By now... I think you understand what I want and how I feel about you. If you don’t want me... I understand. You won’t hear from me again. But if you do want me but don’t know how... just know I’m waiting. I’m ready to do whatever is needed. I’m ready to change and adapt to anyway you need. What I’m saying is... you have a blank book here and the pages are yours to write. I know no matter your choice... I will always love you. I’m going to be mailing my Pebble back to you because it belongs to you. If you won’t have me... I want you to have a piece of me. The day I gave you my Pebble... I explained its significance. I explained how the male presents a Pebble to his mate and if accepted... they would be mates for life. I’m giving back my Pebble because even if you refuse to be with me. You will always have that Pebble to remind you of me. I will always love you for the rest of my life. We will always be mates forever. That’s it. I’ve ran out of things to say. I probably just made a fool out of myself here but I don’t care. Please keep this letter between us. I want you to think about this long and hard without pressure from Randall. I just had to share this with you for one last time. Thank you for everything that you’ve done and for making me a better man! Words can’t express how grateful I am for having spent time with you. Thank you for your love, support, and everything else you’ve done to make me feel happy and special. I will cherish it for the rest of my life and I hope to be with you again. If you should decide to have a conversation with me without any expectations... I’ll be in your area on Friday around noon. If not... just know... I will always be with you until my last breath leaves my body. Like Richard Marx says (the same song I played for you on the piano), “wherever you go... whatever you do... I will be right here waiting for you... whatever it takes... or how my heart breaks... I will be right here waiting for you”.


Infinitely Yours,


Chris