Notes

Dear FutureMe,

So yesterday I went over to Cassie's house, finally. We've been dating since this summer, but she's super super super busy during the school year so while I get to see her every day at school, we don't actually get to spend very much time outside of school together.

I went over, and she was in adorable just-woke-up pajama form even though it was two in the afternoon. It started out with me being my normal awkward self- now that we finally had time to spend together I had no clue what to say, so I awkwardly laughed like I always seem to do for some reason. We eventually got onto Youtube... for all she tries to distance herself from 'gay culture,' she was obsessed with Andi Mack, this new Disney show with a first openly gay character. So we watched a scene from Andi Mack, I showed her some Music Video Sin videos, and then she decided to go back to working on her English essay. I wasn't annoyed about it because she kept asking for advice (it was a creative writing piece), but I also wasn't exactly helping her be productive and was mostly subtly distracting her. After a few minutes she realized she wasn't getting anywhere, and shut her computer.

We started cuddling, which was really nice--I low-key tricked her into spooning, and I don't even think she realized it. And this lasted an hour- I mean obviously it turned into more than cuddling. It was really intense, but in a good way. Not a lot of kissing actually which I didn't mind, but a lot of feeling around.

But I'll get back to that in a moment. On the way out I stopped in the kitchen to thank Geoffrey for having me (after smoothing out my hair and re-fastening the back of my bra, of course). I felt awkward obviously, and on the way out when I was waiting for the elevator I looked in the mirror and my cheeks were flushed in a new soft-pink way that I think is what movies and books or whatever refer to as an 'after-sex glow.' So (to myself, in my head, of course) I was nervously laughing like "well shit, I just said goodbye to Geoffrey looking like I just fucked his daughter." And then I had a moment where I was like "hold up... did I just fuck his daughter?" I mean obviously the focus was Cassie and not Geoffrey but it's kinda a legitimate question. I know, I know, that virginity is a heteronormative construct and I totally understand that, but I feel weird not exactly knowing how to label what happened between Cassie and I yesterday.

I mean here's the thing. While it was happening it didn't feel like anything different. Like when I had my first kiss during that game of spin the bottle or when I was trying to hook up with Magen (god save me from ever having to think about THAT again), I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nervous, jittery, excited, mature, different. But yesterday with Cassie? I felt like just me.

I suppose we were doing more than we did the last time we 'hooked up,' (blegh, if you want to call it that) but it didn't feel like a decision, more like a continuation of what happened last time and just a function of having more time together. Nothing felt weird consent-wise, because we were both content to move at the same pace and to be honest if we had had more time (and an empty apartment hah) I think we would've both wanted to go all the way. I mean, whatever the hell 'all the way' means. I mean, I guess, orgasm? Okay, I'm going to be more explicit here than in any letter I've ever written to myself, but who the fuck cares because that's literally why I'm writing it to myself.

So this is what was happening yesterday. Like I said it started out with cuddling, and then it turned into sorta intense hugging lying down. That's not a euphemism... I don't know how to explain it, but I really mean intense hugging. I would say "sexual hugging," but those words don't go together and that's not even what I mean. "Sensual hugging?" Okay, that'll have to do. It was really nice and it didn't feel abrupt or forced, but I realized that it wasn't that long before her hand was up my shirt... it's hilarious to me how much she likes my boobs. In any case, I was wearing a tightly fastened underwire bra, so she kept fumbling around the front but there was no way to not-awkwardly have her hand under my bra. So, I reached back under my shirt and undid the clasp. I whispered to her "I totally didn't just unhook my bra" and then of course she was like "wait, did you?" I love that girl, sometimes she's so funny. I was like "yes duh" and the look she gave me was so...damn....hot.

Eventually my hand was in her bra too- she was wearing a tight sports bra which I'd argue is very difficult to get past, but I can tell that Cassie Potter is not one to plan this sort of thing in advance. It was getting a little late at this point- it was like 3:45 or something and I had to leave at 4 to catch a bus up to school for the 5:00 call for The Wolves. But shit, we were kind of on fire, out of lack of better way to say it. In both senses of the word I guess, if you want to read it that way. Right at the very end her hand was sort of running down past my thigh and then back up again- we were both still fully clothed (well except for my bra being unhooked) and she was not explicitly touching there, but lightly passing with her hand and her wrist in a way that created enough friction for it to feel really. damn. great. I reciprocated by doing the same thing to her, and goddamn, if I hadn't had to leave in five minutes I think I might've made her come, clothes on and all.

Sadly I had to leave then... but she had homework to get back to, and it was a good time. On the way to the bus stop I realized that when I left and said goodbye she turned around and instead of going back into her room went into her bathroom... if she was going into her bathroom for the reason I think she was... well shit, that gives me the chills in a good way. It was weird because I was