Notes

as i sit here with bloody knuckles, nothing helps easing the searing pain of cold and blood like the very thing that makes my blood throb in the first place.. I am an emotional individual. I wish I wasn't like this, but it is the honest truth that I have always known. I am jealous, I am envious, I am useless and I do not deserve a single thing in this pathetic excuse of a life. i have no one that I feel honestly close to without an extreme fear of it backfiring on me, and I want to find someone that I could 100% trust with my life and things within it, but in all honesty I don't think that is physically possible. No one has ever made me feel like a person full of trust and given me that comfort that only someone close can give you. I want to be happy. I want to be able to have someone. I always wish with every girl that I meet that maybe, just maybe, they are going to be the one that is able to put that bandages that I cannot on the wounds that refuse to heal by themselves. I want to be able to put something on another person and trust them to do it without fear that they will mess it up because I TRUST them. That will never happen. I will never have that person. Someone to be happy with, actually happiness, not the narrow-minded current happiness I'm probably looking for in those people currently. I want to be able to look at someone, and know without a single doubt in my mind, that they are what I was missing in my life and that the piece that was missing the whole time was finally filled. Someone committed to me just as much as I am committed to them. This will never happen. This world is too cruel and unforgiving to let a simple dreamer like me ever even have a sliver of hope that I wont be alone. I am trash. I am useless. No one will ever really want me. I know this deep down but sometimes I have hope in little conversations, little eye glances, small gestures, that I am wrong and someone out there might actually be the single person that has been missing this whole time. This will never be true. I am alone.