Notes

I know the doctors care. Why become a doctor/phychiatrist/therapist if you don't? I just want to handle stuff on my own. I may think about calories a lot more than "normal" people do, but it's not really eating disorder status outside my mind. Five minutes ago I ate two bowls of cereal, some animal crackers, and a brownie. I may *want* to eat differently, but I willfully can't. Also, I'm planning on buying a FitBit so I can track what I eat and what I burn and finally have some data. It'll hopefully encourage me to eat more healthy stuff instead of all cereal, and also I can prove to you that this is mostly just a mental problem with the stats. If you can, Google Buzzfeed's "We Trained Like Superheroes for a Month" video. If I can exercise somehow (a gym is ideal but gets complicated with parents) and stop eating every carb I see, I could be a lot more comfortable with my body in a couple months. It really isn't an eating disorder so much as a desire to lose weight that turned into counting calories when I saw no other option. And even that failed anyway.
I don't know about the anxiety. I don't usually feel *worried* per se, I don't really know how to describe it. And that's just sometimes. I don't know. Words are hard. You could be right, I don't know. I do know I can figure this out on my own though. Involving someone else would mean telling my family, which is not something I'm ready to acknowledge. They tease me and for caring about what I wear and not wanting to go places with wet hair (it makes it dry frizzy), so I know if they find out about how much I care about eating, they'll keep asking me stuff like "then why do you eat so much" and overly watch everything I eat and my dad will yell at me so much more. I kind of want him to see the effect that all his
- stigma
- disagree and not tell them or tell them and not be able to explain