Notes

over the years i gone through a lot. I have lost the people that are closest to me; my auntie, my granny, my great auntie, nanna daph but most importantly i lost my nanny the most important person in my life. loosing all these people took a massive toll on my life. in the last two years ive gone through so much. its scary to admit to anyone so i think that's why i find it is easier to write stuff down. ive had my bad days, the days where i came home from school and got into the bath and tried to kill myself or the days when i came home and cut all night. i'd sit on my bed with my earphones in listening to music that didnt help and using the bade from my pencil sharpener i would drag it across my wrists and hips and watch the blood pour out and i wouldn't care. it made the pain disappear, but not forever. when the pain came back i would start again. i began to smoke. i always said id never smoke but it came to the point where i didn't care any more. i secretly suffered with depression and anxiety. id spend my days at school smiling and laughing, covering the cuts with my blazer. wearing jumpers to cover the scars. i never took my blazer off because i was scared of someone noticing. i cut. not for attention but because it washed the pain away and made me focus on something other than all the shit that was happening in my life. there was so many times that i tried to take my life. one day i was so close to ending it completely. i was home alone and nobody was due home for another 3 hours. i decided to run the bath and got in with the blade still in my hand. i cut all over my hips till the the bath was red. the water now covered in blood. i heard a key in the door cut and it felt like i had been brought back to real life. i began to sob as my brother walked through my front door. only then i realised how close i was to ending it all. i confided in a friend and told her everything and told her how i felt and everything that had happened however i kept from her how close i really was to my death. now i am slowly, gradually getting over my depression i don't suffer as much as i used to. i still have unexpected panic attacks but i've learnt to deal with them myself and keep them hidden from others. my anxiety is still there but is definitely not as bad. i stil miss my nanny and everyone else who is now in heaven and i always will. however, i have found different ways to deal. i still have scars but i see them as a sign of how far i have came.