Notes

jenn,

first off, i'm not mad. even if you choose not to respond to this, rightfully, this has been on my chest and I want to at least explain it in case we don't talk again. Yes, i'm fucking crazy. Yes, i'm clingy, annoying, the worst possible friend for reasons that are and aren't my fault. But the majority of it is because I always felt not enough. You'd always not be able to facetime, because you were with someone else, not able to hang out because you were with ilana, not able to sit on the bus because you were talking to another guy. It's stupid for me to overreact that way, but when I said at the beginning that you had to make a decision, I wasn't specific enough. I thought about and think about you every day, feel shit for the things I do and regret my decisions. Not just for you, for everything. I'm still figuring shit out and I don't expect you to want to be there for it. But I always cared about you so so fucking much that at the sign of you caring for other people more, it crushes me. I'm not blaming you, it's completely my fault, but not something I want to do or choose to do. I miss sitting with you and talking with you. I miss being with you and trusting you. I miss everything about you and I don't fully know how to go on without you, I've already cut more and had more thoughts of suicide than I can count but you helped me through and all I did was treat you like shit and I'm sorry. I don't expect forgiveness, but I want you to understand how much you meant to me. I hope one day we can at least be friends.