Notes

There's a few things I promised you. I promised I wouldn't change no matter what. I also promised I'd be your side in any situation. I promised I wouldn't be mad when you told me not to. There's probably more or this is probably it, but I meant all of those promises. I may have not been the best of friend you'd like. I lied, I hurt you, I did things inappropriately. I betrayed your trust. But you always ended up forgiving me. I remember hurting you so much and I just thought why on earth would you forgive someone like me. You forgave me and I promised not to hurt you again but... I am doing it anyways. I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life. You taught me so much. Brought so many fun times. Made me smile and laugh billion times. You also made me upset, angry, hurt. You were never the type to get angry... and here I am getting angry at silly things. We always forgave each other, some forgiveness took longer than others. I remember all the things you've done for me. You played games and watched videos with me despite you never wanting to it. You sang, made me laugh. You always did whatever I wanted to do because it made you happy. I was probably selfish and took it for granted and I feel like I haven't been entirely grateful enough. My birthday especially... was probably one of the best I've had in my life. Mainly because you were there. You made me so happy that day. You did so much for me. I know no one else would have done the same and gone to those extents. You may think I have tons of friends who do a better job than you but honestly, you, just you alone, made it the best day ever. I can't imagine a life without you. We always talk to each other, always hung out in calls. These past few months especially have been literally one of the best I've had. We were always there for each other. I mean the amount of crap you put up with from me is insane like even my sister gets annoyed at it LOL. I appreciate it so much. I feel like you know a lot about me, a lot more than I know about myself. You know what makes me happy, what I don't like. I feel like you looked out for me way more than I looked out for you. But deep down I know you've hurt me. You made be believe in something that wasn't there and made me sit around waiting for something. At first I knew this wasn't going to be something more, it was going to be just a little fun. For me it was a little exploring and experimenting. It was also a way of learning more about myself. But I also had fun, so much fun. If I could take it all back, I would. I would have just said nothing. But I think we both know a lot of problems that caused most of this. You being jealous was one thing. I thought, if he's so jealous he must feel something for me. I also you were shy with your emotions too (or like you had a hard time showing them) so I felt like I was the one who had to ask the questions. That's why I guess I asked that question that led us to where we are now. I only wanted to know where we stand. Nothing would have changed, we'd be the same but if we continued, I would be certain I wouldn't lose you. My thought was basically if you wanted to, I wouldn't have to worry about the future and it's outcome because I knew that you would be in it. But you don't want it that way and it's fine. I understand. You just wanted a little fun, when I wanted more commitment. But my actions and my feelings towards you have hurt you. You are hurting and hurts me to know that I could hurt you even more by leaving you. I don't want to leave you or lose you. I want to be there for you forever. No matter what. I wish I could forgive you easily as you could forgive me. I want us to be friends, in fact, I want us to go back to way things were. I want us just to be happy again. But my emotions I guess ruined everything. I don't want to lose you but I do think we need some time to think things over. I need to get over these feelings I have for you and stop living the lie I lived for a while now. It's not fair on both of us at all. We should just... be friends if we can. But I wish we could of been something more. I am very very very sorry for how things turned out but I hope we can be smiling and laughing again how we used to before. You mean so much to me. You mean like the world to me. But I just can't give you want you need anymore like you can't give me what I want since we want different things.