Notes

in the year of 0 calorie foods, and sugar free Jell-O cups,
we spent our time googling the calories in toothpaste and complimenting each others thigh gaps,
replacing meals with more PRODUCTIVE pass-times like making flower crowns..
or fainting...
wondering why I haven't had my period in months
or why dinner feels like failure..
because the feeling of an empty shell of a body seemed worth looking like all the other girls...
envied things like instagram beauties
or a picture of your hipbones on the sand,
how many pixels is your sanity worth
we watched Americas next top model like the gospel
hunched over a number
feet numb to the cold glass plate beneath them.
shrying
crying into an empty bowl of cocoa puffs because I only felt beautiful when I was hollow.
as a kid fat was the word people always used to describe me
it never really offended me until I learned that it was supposed to.
by the time I was 15 I had experienced being medically overweight underweight and obese.
learned that loving the skin I was in was a sin through the daggers of others words
because even though schools promote self confidence and demote bullying
decided it a good idea to whip out their scales and call out your body fat percentage in class
while the heftier girls were hiding away..
and the slim thick beauties couldn't help but giggle with pride.
when you develop an eating disorder and you are already thin to begin with you go to the hospital
but if you develop an eating disorder and you aren't thin to begin you are a success story.
the world was made for small girls and I took up too much space,
or at least that's what all the girls told me in school when they decided what they called my mile wide body
was blocking their lockers in the hallways,
I was fat and every was determined to make sure I knew it
as if I didn't spend every second of every day looking my body up and down in the mirror trying to find just one thing I could love...
stretchmarks no,
muffin top no,
pot belly no
everything just no no NO!
how could I not learn to love an illness
of being hollow
of the feeling of cool water slipping down and hitting the bottom of an empty well.
an empty well containing monsters
but not the ones you were scared of as a child...
these don't hide under your bed or in your closet
these hide in all the pieces of fat that fall onto the bed when you lay down
the ones in your head screaming that youre not pretty enough
not as pretty as those girls
those pretty girls
pretty skinny girls
pretty sick girls
pretty dying girls
pretty dead girls.
but a picture of your hipbones on the sand was worth it.