Notes

August is about to repeat itself and to be very fucking honest i cant do that again. I just cant. I'll still be there for her always but i just cant have that emotional connection destroyed again. I cant do myself that again. That was one of my unhappiest times ever. Is it even worth it? Sacrificing my spirituality for someone not only emotionally unavailable but will be leaving forever in less than a year. Its not. Fuck this love. I need to remember that myself is worth loving as well. I need to know that I'm worth something to someone. I'm tired of feeling second choice or just taken for granted. Maybe i shouldn't try to fill that void. Maybe if i'm just okay with being by myself then i'll be okay. I hate that feeling of not being in control of my own happiness. I hate the fact that other people have that much control over me to the point where something they say can completely change my mood and fuck my whole day up. And most of all i hate the fact that the person doesn't care or maybe even know that what their actions have that much power over me. Shes hurting and believe me i understand that so i wont pressure her or try to talk to her when she obviously doesn't want to. I get it. Its okay. I'm really not that great if im being honest with myself. Not the best looking, not the most intelligent, poor, no sort of social presence/standing. Im not that great at all. Shes all i have but she obviously doesn't need me like i do her. So i accept that. And honestly the thought of being alone again doesn't scare me. Its in a sense liberating. Eventually i'll have that person that depends on and needs me. She'll love me wholly and i will her. And i'll wake up in the morning and not feel uneasy. She'll depend on me and i'll depend on her because thats just what we'll do. Not gonna lie i wish that person was Emily...but the harsh reality is that she's not. She's just someone thats in my life for now. Maybe even needs/wants me for now but shes by no means long term. And thats OK. I really do wish her the best because i really do love her. Who knows? Maybe if things were different and circumstances allowed we could've worked. Who knows?
You know what i've realized? I dont have a fear of being alone. Matter of fact i embrace it because its easy for me; it comes naturally now. My whole life has been people coming and going til i just stopped them from coming in the first place or just stopped caring because they end up doing more harm than good. End up leaving me more broken up than they found me. You're the only person that hasn't done that. I dont feel like you keep me around for some obscure purpose. Long story short you're the only person that matters to the point that i'll fight to keep in my life. The rest...not that i dont like them or anything they're just here for now but you..you've made that mark on me that will last long after you've moved away and forgotten all about this shit and i can honestly say when all's said and done I've learnt a lot from you and you make me not hate everything just most things now and whatever happens i love you.. you helped me see that things might just be ok no matter how much life fucks with people that dont deserve it. So yeah the only thing i'm genuinely terrified of that i dont see myself coming to terms with easily is losing you.. especially before i obviously have to. So yeah i guess the point of this is to let you know dawg dont feel bad for needing space and if you rather brave it and just take it by yourself i'd understand but please know that when you are ready you have someone that wants to listen and talk that hopefully wont make you feel insecure or more scared than you already are and i know you said you dont want to make me more sad or whatever but dawg thats bull fuck that.... and you probably wont listen to this soon because its long and you dont want to have to deal with whatever it is i said in the last 2 minutes 40 seconds even though i really didnt say much but you dont even have to reply this is the gayest vn i've sent in a while so its ok i just wanted you to know that