Notes

Ruby’s P.O.V.

Have you ever met someone you loved more than yourself, you friends, your family, and everyone else in the world? Well, in my time on this earth I managed to find that special person. Her name was Ashley Goodwin. That’s the thing… it was.

Ashley was my best friend, lover, and world. We were best friends since we were ten and I thought we’d be together forever. But, life just doesn’t work out like that. She died. My one true love died. I knew it was gonna happen one day but I never thought it would happen so soon. She was so young, so innocent, and so pure. She never did anything to anyone. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. No one could ever deserve what happened to her.

You see, I knew what was happening with Ash for a little while and I always tried to help but she’d never let me. She said it was fine and her father was getting better. I didn’t believe her at all because she had avoided letting me go further than just kissing her, she never let me see her skin, sometimes she even flinched when I tried hugging her. I told her if I saw one more mark on her body that I was gonna go to the cops. She agreed with me.

~Flashback~

I was coming home from a job interview because I had been looking for a job so I could afford to live and support my girlfriend and I but when I pulled past her house I saw something I had never expected nor wanted to see. Ashley was being beaten to shit by her father.

I slammed on the breaks of my car and didn’t bother correctly parking it because I had a task at hand and that was to save Ashley. I ran out of my car and toward the two of them in their front yard. Ash had just landed on the ground and that was when I took the liberty of doing what I had wanted to do for a while. I punched her father square in the jaw and he lande right on the ground. I got down and hit him so much more while I had tears streaming down my face.

I was pulled off of him by my mum. She had finally come out of the house. As soon as I was pulled off of him I went straight over to Ashley who was unconscious on the grass. I fell to my knees as I looked at her with millions of thoughts going through my mind. I could hardly recognize that it was her because of all the wounds and bruises. I couldn’t handle looking at her so I looked at my mum who was standing there with shock and sadness on her face.

“Call an ambulance, mum! Go!” I yelled frantically and she was on that.

I couldn’t comprehend anything so all I did was pull her body up and shook her a little trying to wake up. Yes, that wasn’t a good idea, but I wasn’t thinking. She didn’t wake up so I laid her back down on the grass and hugged her. I buried my sobbing face into her chest and held her with all of my strength.

Less than five minutes later an ambulance arrived and dragged her away. I refused to let her go without me so they agreed and let me go in the ambulance with her. I couldn’t stand looking at her as the paramedics started doing things to try and help her. As they did that one of them tried comforting me while the others did what they were doing to Ash.

We got to the hospital and I followed her until I couldn’t follow her anymore. My mum was there and she had to hold me back. She held me on the ground as I couldn’t stop crying because of what I had just witnessed.

After a while my mum got me to go and sit in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Honestly, I was more comfortable on the ground. My mum held me as I sobbed into her neck and kept asking why. Why did it have to happen to her? Just why?

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t anything. I have not one clue how the hell long I was in that waiting room but it was long enough. A nurse walked over with a saddened look on his face and I knew I was in for some news. But, I chose to hope for the best but I knew. I knew what was gonna happen.

“Hello. I’m here to tell you about the condition of Ashley Goodwin.” The nurse spoke with no emotion.

“Uh, yeah. That’s my girlfriend.” I managed to speak. “How is she?”

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you but your girlfriend isn’t gonna make it. We tried everything we could but it wasn’t enough.”

What? No. I didn’t just hear those words. He must’ve said something different. I must be imagining this. But… I wasn’t. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces right when he said those couple of sentences. This can’t be happening. Not Ash. Not her. Anybody but her.

“You’re joking… right? She can’t not make it. She can’t.” I spoke in denial.

“I’m sorry but you can go say your goodbyes if you’d like.” The nurse spoke. “But, you should go now if you want to catch her while she’s conscious.”

No. No. No. I can’t be going to say my goodbyes. This has got to be a bad dream, a practical joke, something. Where the hell is Ashton Kutcher and the cameras? This can’t be happening for real. Ash can’t be dying. I can’t be going to say goodbye.

My mum pushed me to go and follow the nurse and I could hardly walk but I followed him nonetheless. I walked into that room and I saw Ash and I ran toward her. She was looking at me with that broken face of hers and I could hardly take anything anymore.

That happened. That happened. I watched the love of my life die right in front of me. I didn’t know I could ever experience anything as painful as that until it actually happened. The love of my life, my best friend, my girl, my world, died right in front of my eyes.

The last thing she said to me was to go find paradise. Her last words were her telling me to be happy. That girl, even on her deathbed, is still the greatest human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving. And, the last thing I told her was that I love her. But, honestly, I think she was gone by the time I choked that out.

She’s gone. She’s really gone.

~End of flashback~

Now it’s time for her funeral. Her mother didn’t pay for it, mine did. Because, well, my mum was more of a mum to Ashley than her own mother was. My mum and I funded this and we made the earliest we could. We wanted her buried and resting. We didn’t want her to have to wait.

I was at this thing choking back tears and trying not to ruin my black suit by wiping all my tears and everything on it. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about the suit but I had to look presentable. Because, well, this was for Ash. It was all for Ash.

I sat in the front while listening to everyone from school give their fake ass speeches about how they were all friends with Ash and shit like that. It’s bull. We only had a few friends and none of them made a speech. All these people were people who bullied us. These pieces of shit.

When it was time for me to make my speech my crying ass had to be pushed up there by my mum. I didn’t prepare a speech but I knew it’d all be flowing out by the time I got up there. When I got up there I saw a sea of people wearing all black staring at me as I got ready to speak.

“Uh… hey. I’m Ruby. Ashley’s, uh, former girlfriend.” Oh god. That hurt to say. “So, I had to watch my girlfriend, the love of my life, the girl of my dreams… die. I watched her die. I never knew that I could be so heartbroken, so hurt, so sad but, well, that was until that moment.”

I knew I had to talk about Ash. I knew I had to say all the things I love about her, all the good times, all of the amazing things about her but if I did I’d be keeping these people here for months. So, I had to narrow it down.

“Ashley was the most wonderful girl I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving. She was so innocent, pure, adorable, and she was… she was an angel. My angel.” I spoke with tears running down my face. “I have so many amazing and bad memories I can share that we had but I’d rather keep those between us two. Those memories are the only things I have left of the love of my life. I loved that girl since the day we met. I made sure she knew that too. I showed it, I showed it until the day she died. I’m still making sure to show it now but I can’t do that because she’s gone… Ashley is gone.”

I wasn’t gonna be able to finish this. I wasn’t. I’d end up crying way too much and not able to speak or I’d end up killing myself halfway through because all the memories are coming back and I’ve been trying to forget about those.

“I promised her I’d get her away from this place, away from everyone, away from everything. It would just be us against the world. But, her life was cut short because of something she had no control over. I could’ve stopped him, I could’ve, but I got there too late. If I hadn’t gone to that damn job interview so I could support us then she’d still be here. I wouldn’t have to be making this speech, I wouldn’t have to have to relive the moment she died a million times in my head, none of this would be happening if I had just gotten there earlier but I didn’t. If I did then I’d still be able to stare into her beautiful eyes, look at her amazing smile, listen to her angelic laugh, but, I can’t. She’s gone.”

I do blame myself for this. If I hadn’t wanted to get a job, I would’ve been home, I would’ve been talking to her through her window, I’d be attempting to make her smile but I got there too late. I could still have her in my arms, I could still kiss her, I could still hold her, I could still make her laugh, but I can’t. I really can’t. Because, no matter what I try to think, she’s gone. She’s really gone.

“She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve any of this. What she deserved was to get out of here and live a great life because surviving and holding on that long shouldn’t’ve gotten her to this. She was so strong. So strong. She held on, I helped her, I made her, just so she could end up here. That girl was an angel, a gem, she was everything everyone should be in life. She was perfect. People say nobody’s perfect but I disagree because that girl was the definition of perfection.”

I finished my speech and I walked back down to my seat. My mum wrapped me in her arms while I cried into her neck. After all of that I knew all the wounds were open again. Actually, they were never closed.

We buried her and it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to do in my life. Everyone got to throw a shovel full of dirt onto the casket before she was officially buried and I knew right then that this was all real and she wasn’t coming back no matter how much I hoped. Ashley was gone. Forever.

When I got home that night I wasn’t thinking right. I ended up getting drunk and crying on my bathroom floor with a razor in my hand thinking about Ashley. Thinking about how she was dead and I was gonna have to live my life without her. I was gonna have to go on without her for decades and that, that was not a life I wanted to live.

I knew Ash wouldn’t approve of what I was doing but I didn’t really care. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to go on without her. She was the only thing keeping me on this earth and now that she was gone there was nothing tying me down.

I went through all of the good memories I had with Ash and I knew that this was how I’d get to see her again. She told me to go find paradise and I’m doing it. Paradise is with her and there’s nowhere else it would be.

She’s up there alone with no one and I’m not letting her be alone. She’s in paradise by herself and I’m down here in pain. There was a way both of us could be happy and in paradise and that was the route I was going down. I missed my girl, I missed her so much. I was in so much pain and it’s usually Ash to help me with that but she’s gone and there was no one here to help with the pain.

I needed to see her. I needed to. I couldn’t go any longer without my Ash. This was the only way. I’m gonna see her again. I’m gonna see my girl soon. It was only a matter of time until we were reunited. And, honestly, I couldn’t wait.

Then… then all I saw was white.