Notes

So i'm just here, in my bed at night, a sunday night, i should be sleeping by now but i can't. i can't cause my head is full. i can't stop thinking, sometimes its about useless stuff, but most of the time is about stuff that makes me mad, makes me sad. stuff i don't understand and question i ask myself. i'm just here all alone in the dark thinking that i have nothing to keep me here. i'm tired my head hurt. my tears are falling my wrist is bleeding. I wanna leave, i wanna be someone else. i don't like who i've become, i don't like what i am. most of the time i wish i was in a movie, I could skip the parts i don't wanna live and go straight to where i actually want to be.
Ask me why my life is so bad, but i couldn't tell you. I'm i depressive? i don't know, probably. is there anyone helping me? no. I just feel useless. i don't want to wakeup in the morning. i have nothing to do and i'm going nowhere. i don't have any interest in seeing anyone. i dont like anyone. people are pissing me off. it doesn't matter anyways, cause no one actually cares.
Lately iv'e been thinking a lot about my dad. he's in jail. he told me he would be out in a year, last year.. but i'm not a kid anymore, i found a paper that talked about him, he's not coming out before 5 years. i'm really mad at him. really mad. but i can't get myself to tell him. i just need to take a pen and a paper and tell him, but i can't its to hard. i don't know how. I wanna hurt him as much as he hurts me. but in the same times i don't, cause we are all he has, what if i tell him and he dies? it would be my fault.
I don't like it here anymore.. I wanna go far away, where nobody knows me. starts something new. but i can't.
I can't take this anymore. i wanna be normal, and happy. Yes happy. not fake happy, like what i am now. no i mean really happy. its been way to long since iv'e been really happy! i miss it, so much. so so so much. This is how i actually feel. When someone, even someone i am really close to, ask me whats wrong, i say i don't know. but i want people to know, i just don't know how to tell them. i don't want them to be ashamed of me...
i'm hurt. i don't know why. my life is a total mess. I guess i'm just a big mess.