Notes

I don't like to act like a child. I misinterpreted what happened today afternoon. However, I still feel very irritated, angry, sad, and "pissy". I hate being like this. Those are the kind of feelings that can be worsen not because of stress but because of other people. The problem might be entirely on me, or most of it at least. I could be more smart in dealing with people if I worked on that, but being close to some makes me less likely to think a lot about how should I "represent" myself around them. The fact that I am still dwelling on what happened today is absurd, and for that very reason it makes me hesitated to start/keep a relationship with someone. The easiest thing would be to get rid of what causes these unpleasant feelings, and it had been always the case usually, however, I ended up being lonely most of the time as a result of this short sighted thinking. I do think I have some mental health problems, but not significantly more than other normal people on the street, or it might be a little bit more. I am writing this because I think you should know what my perspective is. The perspective that can be a little bit far from the normality/or what at least people agreed to be normal, and I also wanted to write this for my myself to sort out the chaos in my head. I can certainly feel your affection, in fact, I was flustered today when you told me "I was fine to come all the way here just to see you for five minutes". I tend to be absurdly pragmatic about how I spend my time, and therefore any unexpected event will start the set of thoughts I wrote you here about. I am trying to think how can this work out without going through any of what I currently feel very often in the feature. I have little confidence in myself to be able to have a decent amount of control over myself without the whims of breaking it, and therefore that makes me hesitated if I should interact with you in the feature. I don't want to regret any choice I take, but at the same time I am unable to make any choice let alone knowing if I would regret it or not. I am having a bad day today, and I am overwhelmed with my feelings and thoughts. I don't wish to have any similar day in the feature, or at least less often.