Notes

conversation-
first impression- pleased to meet them
personality
open an closed energy

proximity- how he stands , if he touchs
call back 5-7 days . casual relationship
next day much more interested

choosing the right man-
you are the people that you spend time with
you choose to spend time with them
danger of a connection- having the connection or having the things that make you compatable
have you ever let a man go. havent had the clarity to let the man go
qualify the right man - being able to say no. great guy but not in the right place
even though the connection is there not compatible
the asociations they have , do they have to manage people , are they sensitive to other peoples needs , man who is mature able to give and love or a boy who cant listen to a women ( have no idea how to listen to a women )

1.maturity area- emotional
sexual
career and purpose
community - cares for others
2.life stage- boy
prince
king
3.peers - who he spends time around
4.purpose - services bigger than himself

communicating your own needs and desires- most powerful tool- have him respect them
" i know i need to be in a relationship where...........

dont try to get into his head

First date- information- to get to know each other
begin to determine compatibility
serve my needs well and i can serve his
be aware - dont settle , higher purpose
value monagamy, marriage , children


*reasons that he doesnt call- picky reason - something that didnt interst him- we cant control
-timing- we cant control
-didnt feel that "something"- can control
1. positive energy - stop the negative meaning of a man not calling
2. when he does call - wow him when he calls , have graditude for the present
3.concious of creating attraction - be in the present moment - not in the future
4. share your needs - what you need in a relationship
participate in my life in the present - must enjoy my life as it is.

uncommited relationship- hot / cold men
1. coming in and out of the relationship- left me in uncertainty and it drove me nuts-
attentive to evasive
dont try to figure it out ? feel unstable . Not in my best place . Or i address it more directly .

4 reasons why affection fluctuate-

* work or purpose
* energy and mood-
*place that he is in his life
* desire closeness and space - intimacy can be draining for a man- may pull away
***** withdraw into his unconsious / hiding and coping with allot - not about me
how to address - have a conversation - set boundries
1. does his hot and cold work for me ?
2. extra ordinary circumstances ?
3. difference - is he present and commited ? Is he wavering ?
4. does he have intimacy issues ? His issues . Doesnt have to do with me

Clarify my needs !!!!!

communicate my needs - no blaming or demanding or criticizing

exclusivity- put in place before sex
need not to be in a relationship involving sex without commitment
not a given with a man
if you havent talked about it assume hes not
rule- vulnerable enough to require it
dont ask him to be exclusive -

commitment talk- exclusivity and commitment are different
commentment is understanding different needs and willing to make those happen- concious loving
ongoing process comunicating honesty - make agreements of higher growing relationship
1. timing- timing of the day - place of rest - has he had space
2. shift out of fear- be the creator of my love life- future positve
3. words - how does the talk go - context is everything
good enough that i want something bigger . im happy but there is something else that i want
opportunity - appreciation - graditude - crave and deserve
lets create something great together

4. i am ready to create an amaxing life in this relationship ,part of that is understanding each other and making some agreements in being together
*allow him to speak
5. stop and ask him how he is feeling - listen to him - his truth
do not discount what he says - truth is shared and sometimes truth is hard
listening - sharing
6- embrace him and remind him that you are his partner .i am his ali
dont resist him.-

He says hes not ready -
lose of attraction
hes not incontrol or he doesnt have a voice to choose
when a women wants a relationship but doesnt need . there is a different feeling
triggers a different / shift of roles
stepping back into new boundries for myself- redefine
transform into something positive
1. share how i feel - dont blame him " this makes me feel "
2. define the boundrie - i must adjust . - communicate my needs . i need a commited relationship , anything else other thatn that doesnt work for me . im not resisting what you feel . im not going to continue on this way.. that doesnt work for me . i listened to you and what you feel .( do in a clear truthful way )
*witness and allow him to choose or not to choose me . moment of clarity / respect

emotionaly redrawn man

stopped sharing
shutdown
cant count on him to be there for me

is it a role or a pattern for a man to redraw
men who are providers

dysfunctional redrawel- avoid or cope with things- routine , stress, lack of purpose
*actively create space- filling my own well
1. share how you feel when he is withdrawn. - how it feels to me -blame free truth
2. building time for my own lives - resurtion and renewal - ( reframe time for himself - encourage him to go )
3. go with dont resist
4. make light of his withdrawels
5.how are you feeling - are you struggling with something - dont blame it own our relationship

on again off again
if he doesnt know what he wants he doesnt want what hes got
selfish man - or - immature man
1. dont allow it to go back and for really quickly ( weekend .day )
dont be his emotional crutch
2. offer truth- be clear of my needs are

*pushing him away

hes withdrawing -
doubts
cant talk about it
not calling
not wanting to be vulnerable
i know is counterproductive cause i want let him

jealously
questioning intentions
worrying about what hes doing
over analyzing things he says
protecting myself to get him first
me shutting off and not communticating
me withdrawing and with holding
with holdiing sex and intimacy
critizizing
beating issues into the ground

1. to get out of this pattern i need to stop focusing on him
what is going on with me . ( stop blaming and wondering )
2. take some time for myself - have space reserved for me to ask these quesion -time of reflection
3.allow myself to be vulnerable - give him truth . say what i think and feel
communicate how i feel . im not feeling that comfortable . i dont like feeling this way
im not blaming you . its about me

stopped making plans and is making plans with his friends

thoughts uncertainty -
instant attachment - feels like heavy obligation to a man ( " i love when you call and check on me )
1. taking space
2. losing interest
3. never had long term in mind
4. isnt ready - if i keep moving forward

speak the needs of what i need. i dont feel like i have a voice
momentum-

dont stop my life and my friends- need to fill my well
* i know things have changed, i noticed that we havent spent time

i wanna talk but afraid to scare him off-

if you can scare him off he is disqulified

where did i learn not to express myself ?
family
past relationship-
pattern that i play-form of hiding or dishonestly/ vulnerable

am i totally afraid to be totally seen by a man?
im overwhelmed by the feelings that i have for you

im undeserving
men dont listen

express my needs daily
*communicate my minor preferences
*say no kindly with love
*plan for my needs in my calender

how do i get it back ?

what do i want back in relationship -
do i watn him back
ideal of the relatioship
or the man that i thought he was back

5 requirements to have a healthy relationship

1. have to forgive and move forward
2.open and honest and listen to what he did that didnt work for me - this is a process
3.i must commit to being open honest and listen to what i did that didnt work - this is a process
4. make agreement for complete honesty with no with holding for fear of hurting one another
5. getting back together is about creating a fullfilling life for one another this is more important that trying to fix the relationship.


i realize that im going thru this in my life