Notes

idk if i like this... i Hate it when people tell me what to do.. idk if this is good for me... i understand that i can become a sister afterwards, but is it worth it? how can i 'find myself' if they're taking me away? ordering me around like we're in the military? i get it, it's a business- but honestly, i could live without these girls... maybe it's not worth it... i'm not a lap dog. especially to these white girls. ashley is wonderful.. sabrina is wonderful.. i like lauren & teresa too. but these rules? fuck that. why can't it be a simpler process? why take away my clothes, my social media, my friends? of course i can just break the rules, that's the go-to. but now i have literally NO time for myself. gotta study, gotta do a paper, gotta do classwork, gotta go to class, gotta do homework, memorize all these sentences, gotta do my ACTUAL job, etc etc etc... maybe he's right.. maybe i AM in the sunken place... idk. i don't wanna just drop. i "need a good reason". i think my mental health is a good reason. i wanted to make friends. i did. why do i have to do all this extra shit? no talking after 5? so no social life? i can do my work AND have a social life, it's humanly possible. duhhh. whatever. i'm gonna try this week. if it's too much, i'm done.