Notes

It wasn't hard to fuck up, but harder to get the respect of someone you love back again. why didn't your coming back feel like what I wanted it to be. Happiness, joy, excitement and love. Fear, worried, nervous. That what I felt. I'm back to that state again where I'm nervous to tell you everything that I want to say to you. Even telling you those 3 simple words that truly express my feelings for you is hard because of that worried feeling that might of gone away in your eyes. The expression that can't express it all because of it being greater then that. Every night that goes past, every second that I know that I should be happy with you is just me hurting inside because I know that I fucked up. It is easy to show your true colours on someone's canvas but even harder for people to like who you truly are, for what you like, grown up, what you have done true. It's also easy to say these power words "I will always be there for you" but the most difficult thing to put into action. Yes, I tried and tired to do that, every moment of the day, even though it was the hardest thing I could do because of how shit my day went, I still did it because of the love and care that this broken boy has for you, that he would use every in his power just to make the one beautiful thing in his heart be loved, cared for, looked after. Every night I'm up, I'm just waiting for that phone to blink on and off of joy. But yet I get that disappointment of an email or youtube video just waiting for me to cry over again, knowing it wasn't you. That's why I've been truly up, waiting for the sun to rise again in my heart to warm it. I love that moment everytime it does. The feeling of life, meaning, worth.

If you where wondering what's Mark been up to the past week. Death. Death from within. Yet after that camp, I felt so much happier, free, that feeling that, yes you are worth it. That camp changed me but was it for the better. A little bit. The emotions where such a high I didn't think this camp would of done this to me. But once I got back, things went down so quickly. Going into that camp, my mindset wasn't at the right place because all I could think is about you and how much I regret what I did, so much hate at myself but had to hide it away from everyone. Few days went past, me just being so sleepy because I didn't get any sleep them three days, to the point where I couldn't even stand up just to get food or go to the toilet. To this day, my body is so weak. But one day, I read every single message, snap, Instagram dm we had. It made me cry. Why did it make me cry? because I become so much worse then I was before towards you. That honestly broke me into pieces so much that I didn't have anyone to talk too, message, because I felt like I did the worse crime out there and that this life shouldn't be here now and that everyone should stay away from me. So this started to pain towards my body, the death from within. So no sleep, even though I wanted to go, I would force myself not to where it's not even a problem anymore. I would just think of how much I hate myself so much but yet I've been showing to everyone that I am such a happy person. Back to the old ways. To be honest i didn't realise that I've haven't been eating a lot; once it did, when i got hungry, i just avoided it and cried myself to sleep so it would go away, it did but quickly came back stronger and stronger. I felt like everything is my fault and it was, it was because of me. All of this shit, started from me. I was such a horrible, mean person to the person that meant so much to me and something i wish i could take back every single day, night, second. Every cry i wish i could take that moment away because it hurt you. Even my parents have realised that i haven't been eating as much, every offer of food, object, items they offer, i just reject it because i feel that i don't deserve it for what i have done to you. This hasn't been the greatest time of my life but i feel like i deserve it. So that's why a 4 was good for me because you called me and something so simple made my smile.

So I guess this is what to say to you... I MISS YOU! so much that words can't express it. It was like a part of me missing. From the moment you left for your first flight to now, i'm still missing you. The one thing that made my day, everyday was kinda gone. Being able to see this smiley person on my screen everyday, this person that i care for so much that i would always make sure she had something to eat, had a nap. I missed all that. Something I want back, just a moment where i want time to stop so i could do all that again. Yes you are right, i do miss you that much because you where my main source to find my own happiness that I've never gotten from anyone else. So yeah i do miss you that much, and i wouldn't trade or let go of your amazing-ness that you give to me and i wish i could pay you back from each and everytime you do because you deserve the love and care, and i hope you see it that i do try to give it to you every chance i get and i wish i could give it to you every single second of the day. So when you left our call, I started to cry... my heart just wanted to say to you "don't leave please...".

I know I've always given you these long paragraphs to read but i guess, like you. I would prefer to write it but everytime i do, It is not as good or great that i want it to because of how shit my English is. I want to say more and more but I would rather you hear it from me so yeah.
But if you where wondering why i was a 4, because of you, without you it would be 1 and you just make things 4x better for me.